lullaby

Mom, please tell me what to do,
I'm so disappointed in you

You said those words that made me cry,
And you always wondered why
Why I sing my lullaby

Mom, please hurry home to me,
I waited up so patiently
You sit down and you start to cry,
But you never ask me why
Why I sing my lullaby
Why I sing my lullaby

Was it my fault they lead you in the wrong direction?
Was it my fault they didn't show you any affection?
I show you when I start to cry
Still you always wonder why
Why I sing my lullaby

Mom, why love me if you're cold
You'll just get bitter then grow old
Ask me when I start to weep
Then I'll tell you in my sleep
Why I sing my lullaby
~Maria Mena

this is a song that makes me cry every time I hear it. growing up, it was always about my mom. her troubles, her worries, her struggles. she would always sit down and start to cry. when you're a kid, feeling like you're constantly having to "fix" your mom, telling her it's ok; it'll be ok, it'll work out, and worrying that she may fall apart at any minute can be a huge burden for a kid. i didn't mind. i didn't care what it took to connect with my mom. i've always been a very patient person. i would wait patiently afterwards for her to ask me why i cried. i am disappointed in her because i feel like she failed me in that way. she never asked me why i sang my lullaby. she never noticed for that matter. but i knew her lullaby.

i know that a lot of her emotional stresses stemmed from not being adequately loved, affirmed and supported as a child. they led her in the wrong direction and they didn't show her any affection.....i didn't have to take the brunt of that did i? was it my fault?

after about a 7 year hiatus where my parents and i did not have any form of contact with each other (due to other issues i will not go into); my mom and i have been working on our relationship. previous to the new development with my mother, the phrase "mom why love me if your cold" had meaning for me. i experienced the most painful inner aches than i have ever felt in my entire life, or ever will in the future; due to my mother's coldness. our progress relationally, albeit frustrating at times, gives me hope and i no longer feel that coldness as bad as it was. i do have frostbitten fingers and toes; and i mean that in the strictest sense.

....i don't need an apology from my mom, all i ever wanted was for her to ask me what's going on with me. i wanted her to listen to me, to see my troubles, my worries, or my struggles, through my eyes; not through the glasses that she wears reflecting her troubles, her worries or her struggles.....

"you'll just get bitter then grow old" this i do not want to do. everyday, i struggle to get past the frostbite........

(photo by d0ubLe_vi)