desperation

This song, although written about a dating relationship and not something I've experienced directly, means a lot of different things to me...

If you can, buy the song and listen to it. Maria Mena sings with such emotion that you're transported immediately into another world. A very sad, desperate world. A world that in some form we've all experienced at some time or another. Maybe not in a relationship with a boyfriend like Maria, but maybe in other relationships. At least I know I have....

Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

I've done this before....where I'll take a chance; I'll pour my heart out to someone. Not quite sure if I should. Never quite sure that I've not just made a fool of myself and wondering if I'm the only one on the planet that feels this way. I really must be crazy....and then you jump, you pour it out anyway. Hoping upon hope for the person really to hear you....and then it happens. The person listens but doesn't hear you and your words fall on deaf ears.....it's a terrible feeling. Being open and vulnerable and then having either your feelings trampled on, minimized or any other multitude of responses other than....being really heard and understood. Identified with. Validated.

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

But then again, no matter how hard the drop of your last experience, you try again. Maybe with the same person, maybe with someone else, someone new. Doesn't really matter, you're trying again and you feel stupid again for exposing your feelings and your confused as to why you can't connect.....It's like this incessant need to connect, to feel whole, to have someone validate you and make you whole.

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I wisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

It's quite a mystery to me why I try and change for people. I really do. Of course I don't like to admit it but it's the truth. I'm a chameleon.

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

Why is it that people need to feel validated by other people in order to feel complete, whole and a normal person? I love Don Miller's explanation of it in his book "Searching for God Knows What." Chapter 7 entitled "Adam, Eve, and the Alien: How the Fall Makes You Feel," really sheds light on this for me. Actually the entire books speaks on this issue.

I don't know why but it was such a big deal for me when I realized that the desperation we feel, particularly for me in regards to this song, is due to The Fall in the Garden of Eden. It's due to our separation from God. It's a hole that only God can fill. He made us to be relational people.....that is why we crave human connection, understanding, validation. That's why we are desperate to change when we don't "fit in." Because we feel we need to be connected. God created other people partly for this reason but he also had more for us. This "more" was a relationship with Him. We will never be truly whole with the validation of others. It means nothing. It's the validation of Christ that will make us whole. A relationship with Christ.

The desperation that speaks to me so much in this song is a byproduct of my broken self...separated from God.