thank you

here's to the peaceful feeling that comes with knowing I'm not in control of anything...and that's ok. in fact. it's a wonderful thing. and here's to knowing that everything happens for a reason.....and that's ok too.

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
~Alanis Morissette - Supposed former...
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

although i don't identify with all of the thank-you's listed - antibiodics? overeating? masochistic? uhhh, no. but most of them i do....although i've never been to india - the philippines was my india.....i learned so much from that experience in so many ways. bawling my eyes out? ya. finally forgiving and remembering how hard it is each time i have to do it again? ya. frailty but not wanting anyone else to know to the point of pushing them away? ya. letting go and yet there's always one more thing to release? ya. silence - when i love it and when i hate it? ya. transparent dangling carrots - and the feeling that "normality" is always just two steps away but why can't i ever get there? ya. getting more than I can handle? ya. consequence? ya. terror? ya. disillusionment? ya. blaming? ya. never fully enjoying a moment for fear it wouldn't last? ya. grieving way too much all at the same time? oh ya.

the year 2005 is coming to a close and i already know that this year, along with '98 were and always will be, milestone years in my life that i will never forget. this song has been relevant to me ever since it came out, but it's especially relevant to me this year. i feel like i've dealt with all of the above at some point in the last 7 months of 2005 and now that it's coming to a close, I also feel like all the drama is figuratively on it's way to coming to a close as well. and what a relief. to be able to step back and look at all the crap, and still be able to say....whew, that was a close one - how did i make it? and how am i still alive and able to function on a daily basis without resentment, denial, anger, and all those things that make it all that much more difficult to deal with in itself without those added coping mechanisms? don't get me wrong, i still harbor coping mechanisms that aren't great. but i'm very thankful that somehow, maybe between all the prayers, all the overwhelming, supportive friendships, and God's grace, that i've been able to pull through it all.....and i'm still breathing.

mighty/modest mouse

i just got a mighty mouse! i'm sooooo excited! i love it!

and speaking of mouses...uh, mice....whatever - here's a modest mouse song. i've been through a lot of crap this year but i know it's all apart of His plan and that i'm learning something through it all. i've been feeling lately that everything is ok....so, here's to feeling like "when it rains, it pours" but in the end "we'll all float on ok."

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say
Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on any way well

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on the exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't worry we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Ok don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
~Modest Mouse - Float On - Good News for People...
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

google

OK. me too.

What to do:
Go to google and write your name and the word ‘needs’, in quotes — as in “matt needs”. notice the first 10 sensical sentences that come up." here's what i got when i tried "teresa needs" ...

1. Teresa needs help Tech Tips and Computer Help.
2. Teresa needs help. Not mental eithier at least for the moment She cant log into
the board it still acts as if it is down on her part.
3. Teresa needs one more miracle to become a saint.
4. Teresa Needs You.
5. Teresa needs to be president.
6. Teresa needs some boards cut into smaller boards but she does not want to spend much money.
7. Teresa needs help setting up and advertising the event (she only has 2 volunteers
so far!).
8. Teresa needs to work on her math skills.
9. Teresa needs to convince not just Kim, but Ethan and Tom of the merits of voting out Lex (provided he doesn't win the next immunity challenge.)
10. Teresa needs some support here...she has done so much for us, it is our turn! :)

struggle

so, i have a dilemma. is there really, seriously, an way to be assertive and nice at the same time? just the other day a friend of mine made some snide comment about how if you're nice, that automatically makes you a pushover. like the two (nice and pushover) can't be separated and they're basically and/or might as well be, the same word. so I thought. well, i'd consider myself nice, but i don't think i'm a pushover....so what's that make me? nice = pushover......hmmm, assertive = bitch.

i rumbled around with that theory (albeit stolen theory) for a few days and it even so happened that another friend of mine and i stumbled upon the same topic somehow. i shared my theory with her. pushover = nice and assertive = bitch, etc. she wasn't buying it. she said "i think you pull it off well...you're very nice but also assertive and hold your ground when you need to.." ahhhh, that was nice. and i felt better too.

couple days later, i'm talking to my wonderful mother in-law. she proceeds to tell me that all she ever hears about from people is how much they like me and how nice i am. and that no one has a negative thing to say about me...blah, blah, blah. well, i felt better after that too.

stolen theory: pushover = nice and assertive = bitch......FOILED! and i was proud of myself.....and a little smug maybe.

then it happened. i received an email regarding one of my attempts at being assertive yet not bitchy. i failed, miserably. what was intended to be a casual and playful confronting, instead went horribly and awfully wrong. i suck. and i really must be the "assertive = bitch" type of person.

i really don't understand....and i have to admit i am completely and utterly shocked.

messy

this song, really speaks to my yoyo self right now. the yoyo self that i have a hard time accepting. however, the truth that i am known by Him. and that it's ok. i've found myself hopping back and forth between feeling sure of the decisions i've made recently and at the same time feeling like the decisions i've made, i haven't really made for myself at all.

It's been so long, said it's been too long
Can't remember when I've felt so known
You're so warm shelter me from the storm
And the fears that are just so cold

when i'm feeling sure of the decisions i've made, the notion that "i'm not really making any difference after all because my life's been so messy" and that "i can't possibly be making a difference...", etc., etc. flow in and the first part of the following verses ring true.

They're telling me things get messy when you care
Things are messy everywhere
and don't I know it,
don't I show it
Every time I look away
'cause what can I do
what can I say to help myself
Or to help anybody else

when i'm feeling that i haven't really made these decisions for myself and that i was somehow "trapped" by this looming "responsibility" that i couldn't deny even if i tried, that's when the second part of the following verses ring true. "You meet me in my need...." how could i deny anyone else when He's met me in my need in the middle of my mess?

You meet me in my need
You bring new life to me
And You go beyond what I feel
Your life brought more than freedom
Your love brought time
just what I needed
to see I needed You

and then again, His peace settles over me with the assurance that it's all apart of His plan....my yoyo self goes through this pattern almost everyday...sometimes almost every hour.

One of these days it will be easier to mean what I say
If I remember each and every day
That this world is not my home and I never walk alone
And before time began my days were known by You~Jill Paquette