surprises

no explanation necessary...

Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me.
Everyday, everyhour, wish that I was..
was Bullet Proof

Wax me, mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in.
You have turned me into this, just wish that it..
was Bullet Proof

So pay me money, and take a shot
Lead fill the hole in me.
I could burst a million bubbles, all surrogate..
& Bullet Proof (slowdown, slowdown, slowdown)
Bullet Proof (slowdown, slowdown, slowdown)
~Radiohead - Bullet Proof
(itunes doesn't have Radiohead...the bastards!)

them

Gen. 1:26   Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

i love that. "them" and "us" and "our" and "them." you know my pastor mentioned in his talk the other day that he really has no idea why God likes to speak of himself in the masculine form. but what he does know is that God created them. "male and female he created them." he said, he knows that somehow there are two sides of God's nature, per say that male and female were created from.

i love the imagery this brings to my mind. i can't describe it. just awesome. both with a purpose. both with unique things to contribute that the other might not even get close to achieving on their own. something that would be and is unachievable unless we do it together.... together. wow. what a masterpiece. (and when I say together. i'm not envisioning a marriage relationship although i do think that is a masterpiece too.) but together "let them rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." this isn't hypothetical. this is clear. together. we were created and designed to work and much more be together. relating to each other. not fighting each other. i truly don't believe that God ever intended, wanted or wished for women to struggle to be heard and respected. it just makes me sad. the constant struggle.

and the church's typical response to it makes me even more sad. there are so many churches out there that simply get it all wrong. and i've seen the damaging effects of it. and even experienced some of them personally. this isn't how it's supposed to be. these churches remind me how thankful i am to be involved in a church that uses and believes in and acts upon the words "them" and "us" and "our" and "them."

beauty

....just something i think is important. and i commend dove for it. go check out the campaign website here and one of the commercials here.


i just think this is so important! it's not easy getting to a point in your life where you completely love and appreciate every bit of yourself as much as you should. gals, you know what i'm talking about. that place where you look at yourself in the mirror naked and you have absolutely no negative things to say (or think) about yourself. i could go on and on about the media and what america tells women they should look like but i'll spare you. the bottom line is that women should be able to see themselves as they are and say/think that there isn't one thing they would change about themselves.

ya, ya, ya....i know what you're thinking. i'm thinking it myself. "that'll never happen..." and i know. but can't we attain for something even remotely close to that? if we could stand in the mirror ourselves and refuse to say or even think anything negative about our appearance - if we could train oursleves to instead point out one thing we like about ourselves each day. then two, then three, then hopefully too many to count. each day. what a difference that would make!

i don't think it's unachievable.

frustrated

so ya, i haven't posted in a while and so i thought i would update on what's up. not much really. that's why no posts. actually i've had numerous posts slip in and out of my mind all this week....none of them ever made it to fruition. (how do you spell that???) that word that means "to come about" or something like that. i get the feeling that this post will be very random, schizophrenic and a little discombooberated...(the little red squiggly lines under that word are telling me it's....discombobulated is what i mean, hmmm) and maybe even short. ya short - let's do that.

on second thought. i suppose i should explain why "frustrated." not sure i want to though cause i probably shouldn't be frustrated at all. but i am. and if i tell you why i'm frustrated the very ugly-disgusting-selfish-awful-not me, other side of me will...come to fruition? no, rear it's ugly head. ya. i'm not so sure i want you all to see that side of me. it's pretty awful and i turn into a slobbery, whiney, old baby.....old baby? hmmmm.

so i will stop. and as spoken from the mouth of my friend sarah "full stop."

"hello. full stop. That's what i am currently experiencing. stop of mind. stop of rational thought. stop of making sense. stop of talking right now...i promise...really...shut up my face. Love and kisses and cup cakes and frolics through wild flowers and warm fuzzies ect...really disturbing, Sarah"

tattoo

i did it. i got the tattoo that i've been waiting on for some time now. about three months in the process, i finally decided on a design. i brought a couple of my doodles to my tattoo artist and had him work up a sketch. i spent a couple months tweaking it and this is the result. i'm really happy with it.

of course this pic is fresh after it was done....so it looks disgustingly painful. and yes. it did hurt. (why do people ask that?) yes. a bunch of needles stuck into your skin very rapidly for 2 and a half hours straight is painful and yes, it hurts.

below are some pics during the work.

honestly

i could listen to this song over and over again for forever and a day and not get tired of it. i've loved it since the moment i heard it the first time way back when... some may say it's depressing. to me - it's a declaration. a declaration that no matter what's going on, i make a choice everyday who i want to be. i make a choice to be who He wants me to be. who He designed me to be. despite everything. despite the fact that everyone else has deserted. despite the fact that i have no idea where i'm going or what i'm doing in this life. i make a choice to follow and trust the One who put me here. the One who sees me. all of me. wholly me. and tells me everyday that He won't give up on me. i will believe. i choose to believe this is true.

thank you sarah for finding it for me again. i needed this.

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
~Sheryl Crow - I Shall Believe
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

drama

i'm so ready to be done with this. all of this. i've gotta write a letter. i've been avoiding it like i did my homework in college. i'm even avoiding it now as i blog about having to do it.

"I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win"

and i'm writing this letter to officially state, in writing, that my boundaries will not be crossed. i'm writing to make those boundaries absolutely clear. so there's no wondering. no question. and then, when the time comes - if it didn't work out it won't be because i chose for it not to work - it'll be because my boundaries were constantly and continually challenged and crossed. i'm not going to do it anymore. and i'm going to make it absolutely clear, what it takes to be in relationship with me. and it's an easy choice. you make the choice or you refuse. "no more games." no more roller coaster. i'm done.

You go your way, I go mine
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I'm so tired, so tired of this drama

Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burn
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Noone's gonna make me hurt again

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
Or maybe I liked the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (no more game messin with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Nooone's gonna make me hurt again
No more tears (no more tears, I'm tired of cryin every night)
No more fears (no more fears, I really don't wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
I don't ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness

I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win

No more pain (no more pain) (tired of hurting)
No more game (tired of your playin' game with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more, no more, No more, no more
No more tears (no more tears, no more cryin every night)
No more fears (no more waking be up in the morning with your disturbin' phone calls
leave me alone)
No drama, no more in my life
No more drama in my life
So tired, tired of this drama
~Mary J Blige - No More Drama
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

my theme song

when you read these lyrics you must listen to the song at the same time. go here to download the song for free.... then listen while reading.

Oh my baby, when you're older
Maybe then you'll understand
You have angels to dance around your shoulders
Cause at times in life you'll need a helping hand

Oh my baby, when you're prayin'
Leave your burden by my door
You have Jesus standing at your bedside
To Keep you calm, keep you safe away from harm

Worry not my daughters
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth living
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

Oh my baby, when you're cryin'
Never hide your face from me
I have conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with the light to set you free

Oh my baby, when you're dyin'
Believe the healing of His hand
Here in heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in heaven you will finally understand
Here in heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in heaven you will finally understand

Worry not my daughters
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
~Mindy Smith - Come to Jesus
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.
Psalm 40:5 (NIV) (emphasis added)