survival

"The reason I do photographs is to help people understand my music, so it's very important that I am the same, emotionally, in the photographs as in the music. Most people's eyes are much better developed than their ears. If they see a certain emotion in the photograph, then they'll understand the music."
Björk, Index Magazine, July 2001

not only do I like her music....i love her photographs. the pic above is from her website where she lists photographs and video-stills associated with each song. hyper-ballad has always been a favorite of mine despite it's morbidity. i might even go as far as to say maybe because of it's morbidity actually. and no - despite the fact that a lot of my posts here aren't exactly "happy-happy-joy-joy" posts, i don't actually seek out nor do i enjoy negativity....ask anyone who spends any time with me; i'm very much an optimist and thoroughly enjoy all the happy moments in my life that do exist - and there are many. however, i do find it difficult to find songs/lyrics that adequately express, grasp and convey those moments and the feelings associated with them. and i think i like that because it makes me wonder if that's because those little, happy moments that happen in life are so huge in their meaning and significance that not even music or words can express.....anyway, probably not - but just a thought. (i'm not ever sure if any of that made any sense....oh well, whatever.)

anyway - that said. the reason i like it's morbidity is because i find analogies in it that i feel directly link to a time in my life as a child where i felt very trapped in my very existence. it's almost as if this song legitimizes my feelings at the time.

We live on a mountain
Right at the top
There's a beautiful view
From the top of the mountain
Every morning I walk towards the edge
And throw little things off
Like car-parts, bottles and cutlery
Or whatever I find lying around
It's become a habit
A way to start the day

when i look back, i realize that during that time i really had developed coping skills in order to survive. i felt like we lived on a mountain....far away, isolated from others....trapped. i could see all the beauty outside my window, but was not able to reach it for some reason. it became a habit for me to not even think about what it could/would be like to exist in the beautiful environment that I saw on the "outside" but only how to stop it all, and what it would look like, and would anyone even notice? all the while not even knowing for sure if the "beauty" i was seeing was actually a better place than where I was.

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

it wasn't until i moved out on my own that i began to sleep deeper. i was always a very light sleeper; waking at almost nothing. there was a "checklist" of sorts that i always reviewed to myself about how to behave, how to correctly do such-n-such a task, how to be as quiet as a mouse in order to not wake anyone up before they got up on their own. or else. if i just follow my checklist of things to accomplish in a day without screwing up, then i'll be fine and i'll be safe.

It's real early morning
No-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
When it lands
Will my eyes
Be closed or open?

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

Safe up ( here with you ) ...
~Björk - Hyper-Ballad - Post
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

it's amazing to me the many coping-mechanisms that children are capable of creating and using in an unhealthy environment just to survive......i'm hoping to finish putting down those old habits.....it's going to take a lot of work - but i plan on doing it because i refuse to become who i came from.