thank you

here's to the peaceful feeling that comes with knowing I'm not in control of anything...and that's ok. in fact. it's a wonderful thing. and here's to knowing that everything happens for a reason.....and that's ok too.

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
~Alanis Morissette - Supposed former...
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

although i don't identify with all of the thank-you's listed - antibiodics? overeating? masochistic? uhhh, no. but most of them i do....although i've never been to india - the philippines was my india.....i learned so much from that experience in so many ways. bawling my eyes out? ya. finally forgiving and remembering how hard it is each time i have to do it again? ya. frailty but not wanting anyone else to know to the point of pushing them away? ya. letting go and yet there's always one more thing to release? ya. silence - when i love it and when i hate it? ya. transparent dangling carrots - and the feeling that "normality" is always just two steps away but why can't i ever get there? ya. getting more than I can handle? ya. consequence? ya. terror? ya. disillusionment? ya. blaming? ya. never fully enjoying a moment for fear it wouldn't last? ya. grieving way too much all at the same time? oh ya.

the year 2005 is coming to a close and i already know that this year, along with '98 were and always will be, milestone years in my life that i will never forget. this song has been relevant to me ever since it came out, but it's especially relevant to me this year. i feel like i've dealt with all of the above at some point in the last 7 months of 2005 and now that it's coming to a close, I also feel like all the drama is figuratively on it's way to coming to a close as well. and what a relief. to be able to step back and look at all the crap, and still be able to say....whew, that was a close one - how did i make it? and how am i still alive and able to function on a daily basis without resentment, denial, anger, and all those things that make it all that much more difficult to deal with in itself without those added coping mechanisms? don't get me wrong, i still harbor coping mechanisms that aren't great. but i'm very thankful that somehow, maybe between all the prayers, all the overwhelming, supportive friendships, and God's grace, that i've been able to pull through it all.....and i'm still breathing.