top ten

inspired by charlie from LOST (pathetic that i'm inspired by a fictional tv character) i'm listing the top ten best moments of my life so far. it might seem easy for some, but for me this was very difficult. i tried to list things as if i were about to die. not to be morbid, but to see what i'd come up with. because it seems to me that if i knew i were about to die, i would be less likely to think of superficial stuff and more likely to think of the real, truly life changing stuff.

meeting my maker finding i can know Him on a deep and very personal level. realizing just how gracious He really is, that He could sacrifice so much to love such a big headed and arrogant idiot. me.

finding new heights church my church has really become my family. here i realized i can be myself, He sees everything. all my faults, my screwups, even who i am at the very core, the stuff that i would be mortified anyone saw. and with all that, God still wants me. and better yet, He desires me on a level no one on this earth ever will. and i can't even begin to wrap my brain around it.

meeting nate kissing him for the first time and our wedding day. i am truly blessed to have met nate. he puts up with my blonde moments (i have many). he's patient as i learn how to be wrong sometimes. he extremely kind, detoted, loyal and as corny as it sounds, he is very wise. i've never known a person who thinks through things quite like him. he balances me out.

raising tony having the wonderful opportunity to raise my brother. tony has been a blessing in our lives. watching him grow and become an outstanding adolescent has been awesome. the transformation he's been through since he came to our home is amazing. yes, he's still annoying. but he's simply fulfilling his job description of a teen. it'll pass in due time. ;-)

lost i'll never forget when/where i was when i got the call that our best friends hadn't been heard from since they went out hiking on memorial day. that was one of the scariest experiences of my life. waiting for them to be rescued. feeling so helpless. thinking i would never see them again. horrible. i can't imagine what it was like for their family. and although they were rescued and I heard stories of what it was like, i can only imagine what it really must have been like for them. realizing those days could be their last...this was definitely one of the most memorable moments of my life.

girl-friends there is an incredible value in good friendships. i remember when i first began to realize how valuable it was to have a girl-friend i could talk to about anything. for some time i thought all i needed was my husband. and for the most part i do share just about everything with nate. but there are some things that i keep just between me and my best friend and times when i know, she is the only one that will get what i'm trying to say. it was also then i realized my husband couldn't possibly be expected to be, do and fill everything for me. he will never be able to fill the "girlfriend" hole and i shouldn't expect him to.

discovering camping, hiking & enjoying the outdoors. i'm so grateful to live in the northwest. God is so creative. i love it that i'm able to work in a creative field and create. it makes me feel close to my creator. spending time outdoors in the middle of His creation helps me refocus on the important stuff in life.

moving out i moved out (was kicked out) of my home at 18. in hindsight this was the best thing God ever orchestrated in my life. (well, who am i to know if it was the best thing ever) but looking back i know He was in it. leaving home allowed me to see my parents for what they really were. damaged and not perfect. it wasn't until i got out of the situation and years later that i began to see what was really going on in my home at that time.

philippines i went to the philippines on a missions trip when i was 15. i can't begin to describe how impactful this trip was for me. i wouldn't recommend the group i went with or the reason i went. however simply in going, it extremely expanded my world view. i feel especially fortunate to have it opened to me at such a young age. i'm definitely an advocate of travel out of your home country. i'm even more of an advocate that it happen when you're young.

Mt. St. Helens a pilot friend of ours flew nate and i for a ride over Mt. St. Helens. i'll never forget that view. i got a little air sick but it was certainly worth it!

mother

every time i listen to this song i wanna cry. the very guts of my soul wishes i could say this of my mom. there've been other "mom" tribute songs out there i've heard. i even dedicated one of those "mom" songs to my mother in law who's been the best mom i could ever ask for. but this one is different. beth hart's voice does something to me. i don't know how to explain it. when i listen to this song my heart longs for a past i will never, ever call my own. my reality is a past without a mom like this. i only hope i can learn from all that and be this song for my children someday.

Mother may I, and I would say
Yes sweet baby take it away
It won't be long
Just just remember
That powerful is the woman in you
And stay true now
And she'd come to me
When fire & water was gone
To caress the empty with a song
Saying why cry for anger
That bullet the sky
Just remember
And I'll remember mama
I'll get by

And I know my face
Seems crazed & wild
But I got her eyes
The mama's child am I
She's blessed with grace
Is smooth as a line
And when I shade
She helps me shine
And she comes to me
when there's nothing I believe
And holds me so high yes I am free
Saying why hold the anger
It won't let you fly
Just remember
And I'll remember
Cause mama, mama
I'll get by

Confused by my own illusion
She said that it's only my pride
And even the simplest solutions
Still won't heal my mind
So I'll remember
I'll remember
I'll get by
~Beth Hart - Screamin' For My Supper
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

*sigh*

Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Conscious of everything getting harder
As the race goes underwater

I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
to convince me
It's still far from over
~Mute Math - Stall Out
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

i've become increasingly aware lately of all my inadequacy, insecurities, doubts, and a myriad of others. it's not a fun place to be. all i want to do is retreat. hide. runaway. but i know i shouldn't. actually, reality tells me i can't. sometimes i hate reality.

name tags

just awesome. this is hilarious.

chaos

Complication's my claim to fame
And I can’t believe there’s another
Constantly just another
I can’t avoid what I can’t control
And I’m losing ground
Still I can’t stand down
And I know, yeah I know, yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is making time a chaos
I always seek you when my sight is lost
And everything around is making time a chaos

It’s hard to trust anyone again
After all the letdowns I’ve been through
Haunted by what I’ve been through
Best to try while I still can breathe
And I’m screaming out
Give me hope somehow
And I know, yeah I know, yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is making time a chaos
I always seek you when my sight is lost
And everything around is making time a chaos
~Mute Math - Chaos
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

christmas

we had the entire week of christmas off this year. i'm the one that likes to sleep in, nate likes to get up early and he's constantly working on something. and it's usually something he thinks he supposed to do, not something fun. it seems like it's constantly raining here in the northwest as well. i like slow mornings where i don't have to rush, i can stay in my pj's and have a nice pancake or waffle breakfast with my family. those moments are few and far between but i can always be assured i will get just that every christmas at least. and i did this year too and it was wonderful. (except omelettes instead of waffles) nate, tony and i spent the night at nate's parents and woke up ready to eat freshly-made cinnamon rolls and omelettes.

Can’t you see it’s just raining?
There ain’t no need to go outside
But baby you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song it’s meant to keep you
From doing what you’re supposed to
Like waking up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I’ll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it’s the weekend now
And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just raining
There ain’t no need to go outside
But just maybe, hala ka ukulele
Mama made a baby
I really don’t mind the practice
Because you’re my little lady
Lady, lady love me
Because I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there’s no world outside
And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just raining
There ain’t no need to go outside
Ain’t no need, ain’t no need
Can’t you see, can’t you see
Rain all day and I don’t mind
Telephone singing, ringing, it’s too early
Don’t pick it up
We don’t need to
We got everything we need right here
And everything we need is enough
It’s just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm
Wake up slow, wake up slow
But baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song it’s meant to keep you
From doing what you’re supposed to
Like waking up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I’ll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it’s the weekend now
And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just raining
There ain’t no need to go outside
Ain’t no need, ain’t no need
Rain all day and I really really really don’t mind
Can’t you see, can’t you see
We’ve got to wake up slow
~Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

then came the presents! this is some of what i got for christmas...




ya. it was a good christmas! ;-)

yield

so, in the spirit of christmas, i was going to post the song "wishlist" from this album however, this song fits a little better currently. if you've never listened to this album, you're missing out. in my opinion it's the best ever from peal jam. love it, love it.

Here's a token of my openness
Of my need to not disappear
How I'm feeling, so revealing to me
I found my mind too clear
I just need someone to be there for.. me
I just want someone to be there for.. me

All the static in my attic-a
Shoots down my sciatic nerve
To the ocean of my platitudes
Longitudes, latitudes, it's so absurd
I just need someone to be there for..
I just want someone to be there for..
Someone to be there for..

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way

Ooh, let's call in an angel

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way
'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way
No way, no way
Let's call in an angel
Who's calling an angel?

~Pearl Jam - No Way
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

hope

Hope In Hard Times is the teaching series we just finished at my church currently. "Waiting In Hope" was the main theme a couple weeks ago, and it was really challenging for me. i'm not a patient person. waiting and not knowing is not something i like. it drives me insane actually. i really have a hard time with the unknown, unplanned and unexpected. i hate surprises. i hate not knowing what's in front of me. i'm a planner. a crazy planner, and a disorganized one at that (don't ask). but that's me. uncertainty? ugh. yuck. yuck. yuck. i don't like not knowing...that's why this talk and even a random blog post find, really hit home.

for the talk series, we've been going through 1 Peter. this week was 1 Peter 4:7-19. in the first few verses, peter talks about what it means to be a christian in relationship with other people especially during conflict and "hard times" with them. peter's challenge to us is to continue to love and serve those in your community when you're going thru tuff stuff but especially when going thru tuff stuff caused by other people. not just people "out there," but people close to home. people that are supposed to love and support you through thick and thin but currently aren't for whatever reason.

after stumbling across this post from Nae, i really felt it mirrored closely what peter was saying also but from another angle. some of it that especially hit home, i've pasted below:

"As my friend Allan says, we must be willing to protect our friendships, and make sure that we don’t loose them over things that can be worked out. I realize that sometimes we might not say the complete truth because we either are not sure if the feelings or attraction are worth a penny or sometimes we are just afraid to hurt the other person so we figure it’s better to tell them half truths, other times we blatantly lie or remain silent thinking we are protecting the person or may be protecting ourselves…trust me, I’ve applied these reasons often times. In reality when the actual truth unfolds at a latter time, it causes even more pain than if everything was laid out at the very beginning. What honesty does is that it lets the person or people involved know what is actually going on…even if that’s the only thing that it accomplishes. I highly doubt that it does anyone any good, especially living in a small community, to live half-truth lives or protect ourselves by not speaking the truth. Now, I’m not advocating for people to always broadcast everything that is going on every time they think they like someone or something along those lines, but I think the minute we realize it might create some tension, it should be brought up for the sake of protecting our friendships. What honesty doesn’t do is make the hurt or disappointment less real, in fact it does the complete opposite. At the end of the day, if the truth is out there, each person is responsible for what they do with it. Along these same lines, I think the people around us should also play an important role to make sure that we are living honestly with our intentions, feelings and actions."

i feel like i was challenged by peter but also by nae. nae challenged and reminded me that relationships require honesty. peter challenged me to continually love and serve even in the midst of conflict and struggle with other people, even the ones that are afraid to bring their concerns up. i truly agree that it makes things worse and damages relationships to avoid conflict rather than confronting it "...I think the minute we realize it might create some tension, it should be brought up for the sake of protecting our friendships."

i pray that the moment i realize i might have an issue with someone or something, that i approach my feelings with that person honestly and without delay...because i've felt the damaging effects of the opposite and it hurts.

undo

this is so awesome!

ridiculous

ya. this is me. 100%

do I?

this says it all.

I must express the way it feels
to write all day without a care
Conversation and a coffee
I wanna talk about
the good things in my life
I wanna try to be alright
I can care about the way
love makes me feel
I can care about the good
things that are real
I don't wanna have to think about
the ways that I'm so bad
I don't wanna have to think about
the things that make me sad
Do I?

There are things that
make me smile everyday
The jokes we play
The funny things we say
There's nothing like the joy
they could see in my eyes
When I think about
the man in my life
I can care about the way
he makes me feel
I can care because his love
makes me feel real
I don't wanna have to think about
the ways that will be bad
I don't wanna have to think about
the days that will be sad
Do I?

~Alice Smith - For Lovers, Dreamers & Me
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

teresa lyrics

these lyrics are how i feel now. and how convenient for the song title to be my name. and spelled right. but that's beside the point. i've been rolling different thoughts around in my head for a while now. like how much i love my job. like how my work life, home life and family life all bleed together so nicely. "alone is no way to live" and i agree. "this feeling it don't happen by yourself" and i agree. "we could love...we can love...one another" and i agree. and i'd like to add that all this happens while i'm busy, busy, people say too busy working at that church. oh, i feel a rant coming on. yes. i do work a lot. but i love what i do. and tony loves being here. he's apart of our work life, home life and family life. we do it all together. all of it.
(ok, i guess that was just a short rant. maybe more on that later.) oh, and we get to go to another citizen cope concert in october! it should be great. especially since his new album just came out. should be cool to hear some of his new tunes live.

Breathing
Don't happen
By yourself
Alone
Is no
Way to live
This feeling
It don't happen
By yourself
Alone
Is no
Way to live
We could love
We can love
One another
We could love
We can love
One another
We could love

~Citizen Cope - Citizen Cope
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

trip

Go here to see what i've been up to; our vacation this past week. nate biked the entire oregon coast, from the astoria bridge on the washington side clear thru to the california border! me and tony along with alicia and kurt all tagged along for the fun of it. nate biked with tim (alicia's hubby) and tim's friend, Jason. they rocked. i'm really proud of nate....i for sure couldn't have done it.

life

i love how my personal life, my work life and my family life all blend together. it may seem odd to some but to me, i relish in it. i love it. i'm not exactly sure why either. but i do. maybe it's because i never experienced family growing up. or maybe it's simply because i'm extroverted. who knows. but i don't know how i'd live without those worlds touching each other.

my second to the youngest sister came to hang out with me at a summer festival event today. that made me so happy. she's quirky. and she knows it. she likes to try and embarrass me. and she usually does. but i love that she came. she got to meet people in my world. that made me happy. so my second to the youngest sis, if you're reading this, know that you made me very happy today. and just for good measure, thanks for sharing your tentative, new-found perspective on the "mom" thing with me. i hope it sticks. ;-)

this was for you girl. i love you.

conference 2006!

this was the opening video of the worship conference I went to a few weeks ago at saddleback church.

Click here for the video. so awesome.

beach

so first. we went to the beach the week before last. just nate and i. it was awesome! the weather was perfect the entire time! here are some pics to prove it.

again, i can't say enough about how much i love the northwest.we ate crab, walked on the beach, walked around cannon beach. we just did touristy things. there is this awesome glass shop too that we love to go to. they make glass bowls, vases, etc. right there in the shop so everyone can see the process. it's pretty neat. get's a little hot in there sometimes though.
i'm at a loss for words on what else we did cause other than what i listed above, we simply did nothing. literally. most of the time we just sat in the house we rented reading books. ahhhh, it was awesome. peace and quiet. sitting and reading for however long we wanted. undisturbed. it was great.

stayed tuned for my thoughts/reflections on the book i started and finished in those two days at the beach. Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

saddleback

currently i'm in california at a worship conference at saddleback church. this is my second time. i went two years ago too. this isn't much, just a quick update to say i'm still alive. stay tuned for pics from my beach trip to cannon beach with nate. i read a whole book during our time at the beach so i'll tell you about that too. it was an awesome book. and hopefully i'll have some thoughts on the conference later too. until then, tatta!

i pinch

oh i love this!

for more where this came from, go here.

quote

a quote from my pastor:

"It’s only when we slow down and stop taking ourselves so seriously – that we are free to deal with God very seriously." ~Matt Hannan

i agree 100%. and this is why i joke about "serious" stuff. 'cause nothing else matters apart from my relationship with god.

june

i realize it's been awhile since i last posted. especially since my hubby is starting to brag that he's gotten in more posts than me...you know it's been awhile when he's saying that! so i've decided to rectify that. but what to post about?

i had a birthday. that was cool. however, it was foreshadowed by the fact that the month of may is simply becoming a bad luck month for me. it's june now. i like that. not just because it's my middle name but because june means may is finally over. i'm not sure what it is but this was the second may in a row that's been emotionally draining for me. last may as most of you know, my dad was put in prison (very good thing - but still weird), my 13 (now 14) year old brother came to live with my husband and i (good - but still a hard adjustment) and my mother went crazy...well i shouldn't say went crazy....uh, exposed herself as a new kind of crazy to the rest of my family (also good - but still weird).

now, i have to admitt, this may wasn't as bad as last may....but as my close friends put it, it seems like i've gone from one emotionally draining "crisis" to another! just as i got over one, i'm onto the next! (wish i could share more, but can't) and how right they are. one especially funny and honestly uplifting comment from one of my friends, "teresa, don't you just feel like sitting in one spot and just swearing, over and over and over again!?" truth be told? YES but i won't say more on the grounds that i may incriminate myself.

then i found this quote:

Then, when it seems we will never smile again, life comes back.

deep breath in.....deep, slow, relaxing breath out. that's what i needed.