mother

every time i listen to this song i wanna cry. the very guts of my soul wishes i could say this of my mom. there've been other "mom" tribute songs out there i've heard. i even dedicated one of those "mom" songs to my mother in law who's been the best mom i could ever ask for. but this one is different. beth hart's voice does something to me. i don't know how to explain it. when i listen to this song my heart longs for a past i will never, ever call my own. my reality is a past without a mom like this. i only hope i can learn from all that and be this song for my children someday.

Mother may I, and I would say
Yes sweet baby take it away
It won't be long
Just just remember
That powerful is the woman in you
And stay true now
And she'd come to me
When fire & water was gone
To caress the empty with a song
Saying why cry for anger
That bullet the sky
Just remember
And I'll remember mama
I'll get by

And I know my face
Seems crazed & wild
But I got her eyes
The mama's child am I
She's blessed with grace
Is smooth as a line
And when I shade
She helps me shine
And she comes to me
when there's nothing I believe
And holds me so high yes I am free
Saying why hold the anger
It won't let you fly
Just remember
And I'll remember
Cause mama, mama
I'll get by

Confused by my own illusion
She said that it's only my pride
And even the simplest solutions
Still won't heal my mind
So I'll remember
I'll remember
I'll get by
~Beth Hart - Screamin' For My Supper
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

*sigh*

Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Conscious of everything getting harder
As the race goes underwater

I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
to convince me
It's still far from over
~Mute Math - Stall Out
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

i've become increasingly aware lately of all my inadequacy, insecurities, doubts, and a myriad of others. it's not a fun place to be. all i want to do is retreat. hide. runaway. but i know i shouldn't. actually, reality tells me i can't. sometimes i hate reality.

chaos

Complication's my claim to fame
And I can’t believe there’s another
Constantly just another
I can’t avoid what I can’t control
And I’m losing ground
Still I can’t stand down
And I know, yeah I know, yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is making time a chaos
I always seek you when my sight is lost
And everything around is making time a chaos

It’s hard to trust anyone again
After all the letdowns I’ve been through
Haunted by what I’ve been through
Best to try while I still can breathe
And I’m screaming out
Give me hope somehow
And I know, yeah I know, yeah

I know you stay true when my world is false
And everything around is making time a chaos
I always seek you when my sight is lost
And everything around is making time a chaos
~Mute Math - Chaos
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

christmas

we had the entire week of christmas off this year. i'm the one that likes to sleep in, nate likes to get up early and he's constantly working on something. and it's usually something he thinks he supposed to do, not something fun. it seems like it's constantly raining here in the northwest as well. i like slow mornings where i don't have to rush, i can stay in my pj's and have a nice pancake or waffle breakfast with my family. those moments are few and far between but i can always be assured i will get just that every christmas at least. and i did this year too and it was wonderful. (except omelettes instead of waffles) nate, tony and i spent the night at nate's parents and woke up ready to eat freshly-made cinnamon rolls and omelettes.

Can’t you see it’s just raining?
There ain’t no need to go outside
But baby you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song it’s meant to keep you
From doing what you’re supposed to
Like waking up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I’ll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it’s the weekend now
And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just raining
There ain’t no need to go outside
But just maybe, hala ka ukulele
Mama made a baby
I really don’t mind the practice
Because you’re my little lady
Lady, lady love me
Because I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there’s no world outside
And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just raining
There ain’t no need to go outside
Ain’t no need, ain’t no need
Can’t you see, can’t you see
Rain all day and I don’t mind
Telephone singing, ringing, it’s too early
Don’t pick it up
We don’t need to
We got everything we need right here
And everything we need is enough
It’s just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm
Wake up slow, wake up slow
But baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song it’s meant to keep you
From doing what you’re supposed to
Like waking up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I’ll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it’s the weekend now
And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just raining
There ain’t no need to go outside
Ain’t no need, ain’t no need
Rain all day and I really really really don’t mind
Can’t you see, can’t you see
We’ve got to wake up slow
~Jack Johnson - Banana Pancakes
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

then came the presents! this is some of what i got for christmas...




ya. it was a good christmas! ;-)

yield

so, in the spirit of christmas, i was going to post the song "wishlist" from this album however, this song fits a little better currently. if you've never listened to this album, you're missing out. in my opinion it's the best ever from peal jam. love it, love it.

Here's a token of my openness
Of my need to not disappear
How I'm feeling, so revealing to me
I found my mind too clear
I just need someone to be there for.. me
I just want someone to be there for.. me

All the static in my attic-a
Shoots down my sciatic nerve
To the ocean of my platitudes
Longitudes, latitudes, it's so absurd
I just need someone to be there for..
I just want someone to be there for..
Someone to be there for..

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way

Ooh, let's call in an angel

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way
'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way
No way, no way
Let's call in an angel
Who's calling an angel?

~Pearl Jam - No Way
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

do I?

this says it all.

I must express the way it feels
to write all day without a care
Conversation and a coffee
I wanna talk about
the good things in my life
I wanna try to be alright
I can care about the way
love makes me feel
I can care about the good
things that are real
I don't wanna have to think about
the ways that I'm so bad
I don't wanna have to think about
the things that make me sad
Do I?

There are things that
make me smile everyday
The jokes we play
The funny things we say
There's nothing like the joy
they could see in my eyes
When I think about
the man in my life
I can care about the way
he makes me feel
I can care because his love
makes me feel real
I don't wanna have to think about
the ways that will be bad
I don't wanna have to think about
the days that will be sad
Do I?

~Alice Smith - For Lovers, Dreamers & Me
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

teresa lyrics

these lyrics are how i feel now. and how convenient for the song title to be my name. and spelled right. but that's beside the point. i've been rolling different thoughts around in my head for a while now. like how much i love my job. like how my work life, home life and family life all bleed together so nicely. "alone is no way to live" and i agree. "this feeling it don't happen by yourself" and i agree. "we could love...we can love...one another" and i agree. and i'd like to add that all this happens while i'm busy, busy, people say too busy working at that church. oh, i feel a rant coming on. yes. i do work a lot. but i love what i do. and tony loves being here. he's apart of our work life, home life and family life. we do it all together. all of it.
(ok, i guess that was just a short rant. maybe more on that later.) oh, and we get to go to another citizen cope concert in october! it should be great. especially since his new album just came out. should be cool to hear some of his new tunes live.

Breathing
Don't happen
By yourself
Alone
Is no
Way to live
This feeling
It don't happen
By yourself
Alone
Is no
Way to live
We could love
We can love
One another
We could love
We can love
One another
We could love

~Citizen Cope - Citizen Cope
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

funk

i've been in a blogging funk lately. not wanting to post on anything, not feeling i have anything to post about. feeling insecure, feeling overconfident, feeling gipped, feeling extremely blessed, feeling messed up. feeling like i don't have much to offer but i know it's not true and even if it were, that would still be enough. just a funk.

dustin is a friend of mine and his song "all i've got" simply fits me right now.

sometimes i say too much and
sometimes i don't say enough
sometimes i hurt the ones that you all know i'd like to love and
sometimes i just give in when i know that i shouldn't
sometimes i'm too afraid
sometime it's just too late

this is all i've got
it's all i am
all i've got
it's all for you

every now and then i lie
when i wanna tell the truth
sometimes i run so hard
all i want's to be with you
sometimes i feel like you're not there
when you say you're everywhere
sometimes i'm too afraid
sometimes it's just too late

this is all that i've got
this is all that i've got
this is all that i've got
and it's all for you

and if i tell you that i love you do you love me
can you hear me can you hear me
if i tell you that i need you do you want me
can you hear me calling out

i think of all the price you paid
i pray thee lord my soul to take
every time i pray every time

this is all i've got
it's all i am
all i've got
it's all for you
~Ruth - Ruth EP
Click here to listen to it from mySpace.

in it

"Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it."
~Garden State

...ya, i'm in it right now...

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
~Sarah McLachlan - Angel
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

surprises

no explanation necessary...

Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me.
Everyday, everyhour, wish that I was..
was Bullet Proof

Wax me, mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in.
You have turned me into this, just wish that it..
was Bullet Proof

So pay me money, and take a shot
Lead fill the hole in me.
I could burst a million bubbles, all surrogate..
& Bullet Proof (slowdown, slowdown, slowdown)
Bullet Proof (slowdown, slowdown, slowdown)
~Radiohead - Bullet Proof
(itunes doesn't have Radiohead...the bastards!)

honestly

i could listen to this song over and over again for forever and a day and not get tired of it. i've loved it since the moment i heard it the first time way back when... some may say it's depressing. to me - it's a declaration. a declaration that no matter what's going on, i make a choice everyday who i want to be. i make a choice to be who He wants me to be. who He designed me to be. despite everything. despite the fact that everyone else has deserted. despite the fact that i have no idea where i'm going or what i'm doing in this life. i make a choice to follow and trust the One who put me here. the One who sees me. all of me. wholly me. and tells me everyday that He won't give up on me. i will believe. i choose to believe this is true.

thank you sarah for finding it for me again. i needed this.

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
~Sheryl Crow - I Shall Believe
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

drama

i'm so ready to be done with this. all of this. i've gotta write a letter. i've been avoiding it like i did my homework in college. i'm even avoiding it now as i blog about having to do it.

"I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win"

and i'm writing this letter to officially state, in writing, that my boundaries will not be crossed. i'm writing to make those boundaries absolutely clear. so there's no wondering. no question. and then, when the time comes - if it didn't work out it won't be because i chose for it not to work - it'll be because my boundaries were constantly and continually challenged and crossed. i'm not going to do it anymore. and i'm going to make it absolutely clear, what it takes to be in relationship with me. and it's an easy choice. you make the choice or you refuse. "no more games." no more roller coaster. i'm done.

You go your way, I go mine
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I'm so tired, so tired of this drama

Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burn
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Noone's gonna make me hurt again

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
Or maybe I liked the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (no more game messin with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Nooone's gonna make me hurt again
No more tears (no more tears, I'm tired of cryin every night)
No more fears (no more fears, I really don't wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
I don't ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness

I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win

No more pain (no more pain) (tired of hurting)
No more game (tired of your playin' game with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more, no more, No more, no more
No more tears (no more tears, no more cryin every night)
No more fears (no more waking be up in the morning with your disturbin' phone calls
leave me alone)
No drama, no more in my life
No more drama in my life
So tired, tired of this drama
~Mary J Blige - No More Drama
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

my theme song

when you read these lyrics you must listen to the song at the same time. go here to download the song for free.... then listen while reading.

Oh my baby, when you're older
Maybe then you'll understand
You have angels to dance around your shoulders
Cause at times in life you'll need a helping hand

Oh my baby, when you're prayin'
Leave your burden by my door
You have Jesus standing at your bedside
To Keep you calm, keep you safe away from harm

Worry not my daughters
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth living
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

Oh my baby, when you're cryin'
Never hide your face from me
I have conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with the light to set you free

Oh my baby, when you're dyin'
Believe the healing of His hand
Here in heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in heaven you will finally understand
Here in heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in heaven you will finally understand

Worry not my daughters
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
~Mindy Smith - Come to Jesus
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.
Psalm 40:5 (NIV) (emphasis added)

love

i've been frustrated lately. frustrated by people (including myself sometimes) who can't seem to simply show love to those around them. people who feel like they have a right to judge others. yet the people being judged don't have that same right. at least not in the eyes of the person judging. people who feel like it's not only their right but maybe even their duty to call people out and challenge them on their views if they differ from their own. people who like to use scripture out of context and "throw" it in other people's faces not only to make their point, (twisting scripture to their own agenda) but also to make themselves look/feel superior to the other. granted, to some extent we all do this. none of us are perfect. i've even done it. i did it to my siblings when i was going thru my "super religious" phase around 15-16 years old. i'm not proud of it - but i learned from it. if i had been too proud to listen to my sisters (and i didn't right away) when they told me they felt judged by me, i might never have seen how wrong i was. i might never have seen that i wasn't showing god's love to anyone. and that is the number one thing god calls us to do. christian or no christian, everyone can agree that love is something everyone wants and can't do without.

i think part of what makes me feel so upset about this - and so disgusted at myself at 15/16, is because growing up all i ever received from my parents was conditional love. which, isn't love at all. it's some sick, twisted, fake attempt at love. and it's damaging. seriously damaging. the link below is a project i did for my women's studies class. it was the final project and the goal was simply to express yourself with a medium of your choice. but it had to be creative. i chose to express myself with a video with one of my favorite songs...Ginny Owens - Without Condition. the lyrics are below. this song puts to words my feelings toward my parents regarding my childhood and the suedo-christian, super-religious, paranoid, insecure and judgmental home i was brought up in.

click here to see the video. (it's about 3.9MB so if you don't have a high speed connection it may take a little bit to load.)

You find this situation just a bit uncomfortable;
You'd rather stay far away from reality.
For you to understand would be clearly impossible;
So you shut your eyes and swear you can see.
Claiming there is a God, but does that mean anything?
So condescending to those that you don't understand;
Just too easy to make them your enemies.
Like an ostrich, you bury your head in the sand,
And then shout about all the things you believe.
But if there is a God, don't you think He can see
What you really mean? What you're doing?

You can't find the answers
Till you learn to question;
You won't appear stupid
Just ask for direction.
You're insecure and it clouds your perception
So stop and listen
And learn a lesson in love without condition.

So place all the souls that you know
in their own little box;
Quite convenient to handle them that way;
You're the only one you know who carries a cross
You don't care what they care about anyway.
You talk to your God,
Prayin' for those who sin,
For their eyes to be opened.
~Ginny Owens - Without Condition
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

thank you

here's to the peaceful feeling that comes with knowing I'm not in control of anything...and that's ok. in fact. it's a wonderful thing. and here's to knowing that everything happens for a reason.....and that's ok too.

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
~Alanis Morissette - Supposed former...
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

although i don't identify with all of the thank-you's listed - antibiodics? overeating? masochistic? uhhh, no. but most of them i do....although i've never been to india - the philippines was my india.....i learned so much from that experience in so many ways. bawling my eyes out? ya. finally forgiving and remembering how hard it is each time i have to do it again? ya. frailty but not wanting anyone else to know to the point of pushing them away? ya. letting go and yet there's always one more thing to release? ya. silence - when i love it and when i hate it? ya. transparent dangling carrots - and the feeling that "normality" is always just two steps away but why can't i ever get there? ya. getting more than I can handle? ya. consequence? ya. terror? ya. disillusionment? ya. blaming? ya. never fully enjoying a moment for fear it wouldn't last? ya. grieving way too much all at the same time? oh ya.

the year 2005 is coming to a close and i already know that this year, along with '98 were and always will be, milestone years in my life that i will never forget. this song has been relevant to me ever since it came out, but it's especially relevant to me this year. i feel like i've dealt with all of the above at some point in the last 7 months of 2005 and now that it's coming to a close, I also feel like all the drama is figuratively on it's way to coming to a close as well. and what a relief. to be able to step back and look at all the crap, and still be able to say....whew, that was a close one - how did i make it? and how am i still alive and able to function on a daily basis without resentment, denial, anger, and all those things that make it all that much more difficult to deal with in itself without those added coping mechanisms? don't get me wrong, i still harbor coping mechanisms that aren't great. but i'm very thankful that somehow, maybe between all the prayers, all the overwhelming, supportive friendships, and God's grace, that i've been able to pull through it all.....and i'm still breathing.

mighty/modest mouse

i just got a mighty mouse! i'm sooooo excited! i love it!

and speaking of mouses...uh, mice....whatever - here's a modest mouse song. i've been through a lot of crap this year but i know it's all apart of His plan and that i'm learning something through it all. i've been feeling lately that everything is ok....so, here's to feeling like "when it rains, it pours" but in the end "we'll all float on ok."

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say
Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on any way well

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on the exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't worry we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Ok don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
~Modest Mouse - Float On - Good News for People...
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

messy

this song, really speaks to my yoyo self right now. the yoyo self that i have a hard time accepting. however, the truth that i am known by Him. and that it's ok. i've found myself hopping back and forth between feeling sure of the decisions i've made recently and at the same time feeling like the decisions i've made, i haven't really made for myself at all.

It's been so long, said it's been too long
Can't remember when I've felt so known
You're so warm shelter me from the storm
And the fears that are just so cold

when i'm feeling sure of the decisions i've made, the notion that "i'm not really making any difference after all because my life's been so messy" and that "i can't possibly be making a difference...", etc., etc. flow in and the first part of the following verses ring true.

They're telling me things get messy when you care
Things are messy everywhere
and don't I know it,
don't I show it
Every time I look away
'cause what can I do
what can I say to help myself
Or to help anybody else

when i'm feeling that i haven't really made these decisions for myself and that i was somehow "trapped" by this looming "responsibility" that i couldn't deny even if i tried, that's when the second part of the following verses ring true. "You meet me in my need...." how could i deny anyone else when He's met me in my need in the middle of my mess?

You meet me in my need
You bring new life to me
And You go beyond what I feel
Your life brought more than freedom
Your love brought time
just what I needed
to see I needed You

and then again, His peace settles over me with the assurance that it's all apart of His plan....my yoyo self goes through this pattern almost everyday...sometimes almost every hour.

One of these days it will be easier to mean what I say
If I remember each and every day
That this world is not my home and I never walk alone
And before time began my days were known by You~Jill Paquette

in my head

ok, so i take back what i said in the last post about how i'm not able to find music/lyrics that adequately express the little joys in life...this song is a favorite of mine...i'm drawn to it because of it's steady resolve and underlying thankfulness for everything life brings...good or bad. i don't know how to say this without sounding cheezy - but i really feel that music is God's gift to me...His way of identifying with me...His way of reaching me.....every-time i've felt i've drawn closer to God in our relationship or had a "breakthough" revealing His character, it's been through a song....

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day
You are a river running through the desert plain
You are my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain

I can hear the sound of five drummers in the wind
The leaves blowing in the breeze, ring out like guitars
A tin can rolls across the gravel like a tambourine
I am but a vessel, so I sing, because You are

In my head, You're always in my head
In my dreams, You're always in my head
In my pain, You're always in my head
In my peace, You're always in my head

A rainbow of rhythm stretches across the sky
An airplane in the distance, plays a beautiful cello line
It's no coincidence; it's in tune with the music in my head
If You were a shoulder You're where I would rest, but I am Your
vessel so I hear, You

In my head, You're always in my head
In my fears, You're always in my head
In my joy, You're always in my head
In my tears, You're always in my head

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day
You are a river, running through a desert plain
You've been my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain

In my head, you're always in my head
In my dreams, you're always in my head
In my pain, you're always in my head
In my peace, you're always in my head

How can I live a day without music?
How can I live a day without You?
~India.Arie - Always In My Head - Acoustic Soul
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

survival

"The reason I do photographs is to help people understand my music, so it's very important that I am the same, emotionally, in the photographs as in the music. Most people's eyes are much better developed than their ears. If they see a certain emotion in the photograph, then they'll understand the music."
Björk, Index Magazine, July 2001

not only do I like her music....i love her photographs. the pic above is from her website where she lists photographs and video-stills associated with each song. hyper-ballad has always been a favorite of mine despite it's morbidity. i might even go as far as to say maybe because of it's morbidity actually. and no - despite the fact that a lot of my posts here aren't exactly "happy-happy-joy-joy" posts, i don't actually seek out nor do i enjoy negativity....ask anyone who spends any time with me; i'm very much an optimist and thoroughly enjoy all the happy moments in my life that do exist - and there are many. however, i do find it difficult to find songs/lyrics that adequately express, grasp and convey those moments and the feelings associated with them. and i think i like that because it makes me wonder if that's because those little, happy moments that happen in life are so huge in their meaning and significance that not even music or words can express.....anyway, probably not - but just a thought. (i'm not ever sure if any of that made any sense....oh well, whatever.)

anyway - that said. the reason i like it's morbidity is because i find analogies in it that i feel directly link to a time in my life as a child where i felt very trapped in my very existence. it's almost as if this song legitimizes my feelings at the time.

We live on a mountain
Right at the top
There's a beautiful view
From the top of the mountain
Every morning I walk towards the edge
And throw little things off
Like car-parts, bottles and cutlery
Or whatever I find lying around
It's become a habit
A way to start the day

when i look back, i realize that during that time i really had developed coping skills in order to survive. i felt like we lived on a mountain....far away, isolated from others....trapped. i could see all the beauty outside my window, but was not able to reach it for some reason. it became a habit for me to not even think about what it could/would be like to exist in the beautiful environment that I saw on the "outside" but only how to stop it all, and what it would look like, and would anyone even notice? all the while not even knowing for sure if the "beauty" i was seeing was actually a better place than where I was.

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

it wasn't until i moved out on my own that i began to sleep deeper. i was always a very light sleeper; waking at almost nothing. there was a "checklist" of sorts that i always reviewed to myself about how to behave, how to correctly do such-n-such a task, how to be as quiet as a mouse in order to not wake anyone up before they got up on their own. or else. if i just follow my checklist of things to accomplish in a day without screwing up, then i'll be fine and i'll be safe.

It's real early morning
No-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
When it lands
Will my eyes
Be closed or open?

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

Safe up ( here with you ) ...
~Björk - Hyper-Ballad - Post
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

it's amazing to me the many coping-mechanisms that children are capable of creating and using in an unhealthy environment just to survive......i'm hoping to finish putting down those old habits.....it's going to take a lot of work - but i plan on doing it because i refuse to become who i came from.

black & white

i will never begin to have enough words to describe how i feel about sarah. her writing, vocals and music is filled with so much feeling. she would be special simply because i feel that i relate to just about every song she's written but she's even more special to me because my first date with nate was at a concert of hers here in portland. that night was one of the best dates of my life so far.....reminiscing on that moment makes me happy....this songs speaks to where i'm at right now. sarah's music will always be bitter-sweet to me. bitter, only because her lyrics are a reminder of a broken childhood and continual dysfunction going on in my life today - sweet, because of the memories associated with her music and the conversations started with those closest to me, based on her lyrics.

Unravel me
A distant cord
On the outside is forgotten
A constant need

To get along
And the animal awakens
And all I feel is black and white

The road is long
The memory slides
To the whole of my undoing
Put aside
I put away
I push it back to get through each day
And all I feel is black and white
And I'm wound up small and tight
And I don't know who I am

Unravel me
Untie this chord
The very centre of our union
Is caving in
I can't endure
I am the archive of our failure

And all I feel is black and white
And I'm wound up small and tight
And I don't know who I am

Everybody loves you when you're easy
Everybody hates when you're a bore
Everyone is waiting for your entrance so
Don't disappoint them
~Sarah McLachlan - Black & White - Surfacing
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.