thank you

here's to the peaceful feeling that comes with knowing I'm not in control of anything...and that's ok. in fact. it's a wonderful thing. and here's to knowing that everything happens for a reason.....and that's ok too.

how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
~Alanis Morissette - Supposed former...
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

although i don't identify with all of the thank-you's listed - antibiodics? overeating? masochistic? uhhh, no. but most of them i do....although i've never been to india - the philippines was my india.....i learned so much from that experience in so many ways. bawling my eyes out? ya. finally forgiving and remembering how hard it is each time i have to do it again? ya. frailty but not wanting anyone else to know to the point of pushing them away? ya. letting go and yet there's always one more thing to release? ya. silence - when i love it and when i hate it? ya. transparent dangling carrots - and the feeling that "normality" is always just two steps away but why can't i ever get there? ya. getting more than I can handle? ya. consequence? ya. terror? ya. disillusionment? ya. blaming? ya. never fully enjoying a moment for fear it wouldn't last? ya. grieving way too much all at the same time? oh ya.

the year 2005 is coming to a close and i already know that this year, along with '98 were and always will be, milestone years in my life that i will never forget. this song has been relevant to me ever since it came out, but it's especially relevant to me this year. i feel like i've dealt with all of the above at some point in the last 7 months of 2005 and now that it's coming to a close, I also feel like all the drama is figuratively on it's way to coming to a close as well. and what a relief. to be able to step back and look at all the crap, and still be able to say....whew, that was a close one - how did i make it? and how am i still alive and able to function on a daily basis without resentment, denial, anger, and all those things that make it all that much more difficult to deal with in itself without those added coping mechanisms? don't get me wrong, i still harbor coping mechanisms that aren't great. but i'm very thankful that somehow, maybe between all the prayers, all the overwhelming, supportive friendships, and God's grace, that i've been able to pull through it all.....and i'm still breathing.

mighty/modest mouse

i just got a mighty mouse! i'm sooooo excited! i love it!

and speaking of mouses...uh, mice....whatever - here's a modest mouse song. i've been through a lot of crap this year but i know it's all apart of His plan and that i'm learning something through it all. i've been feeling lately that everything is ok....so, here's to feeling like "when it rains, it pours" but in the end "we'll all float on ok."

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say
Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on any way well

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on the exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't worry we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Ok don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
~Modest Mouse - Float On - Good News for People...
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

google

OK. me too.

What to do:
Go to google and write your name and the word ‘needs’, in quotes — as in “matt needs”. notice the first 10 sensical sentences that come up." here's what i got when i tried "teresa needs" ...

1. Teresa needs help Tech Tips and Computer Help.
2. Teresa needs help. Not mental eithier at least for the moment She cant log into
the board it still acts as if it is down on her part.
3. Teresa needs one more miracle to become a saint.
4. Teresa Needs You.
5. Teresa needs to be president.
6. Teresa needs some boards cut into smaller boards but she does not want to spend much money.
7. Teresa needs help setting up and advertising the event (she only has 2 volunteers
so far!).
8. Teresa needs to work on her math skills.
9. Teresa needs to convince not just Kim, but Ethan and Tom of the merits of voting out Lex (provided he doesn't win the next immunity challenge.)
10. Teresa needs some support here...she has done so much for us, it is our turn! :)

struggle

so, i have a dilemma. is there really, seriously, an way to be assertive and nice at the same time? just the other day a friend of mine made some snide comment about how if you're nice, that automatically makes you a pushover. like the two (nice and pushover) can't be separated and they're basically and/or might as well be, the same word. so I thought. well, i'd consider myself nice, but i don't think i'm a pushover....so what's that make me? nice = pushover......hmmm, assertive = bitch.

i rumbled around with that theory (albeit stolen theory) for a few days and it even so happened that another friend of mine and i stumbled upon the same topic somehow. i shared my theory with her. pushover = nice and assertive = bitch, etc. she wasn't buying it. she said "i think you pull it off well...you're very nice but also assertive and hold your ground when you need to.." ahhhh, that was nice. and i felt better too.

couple days later, i'm talking to my wonderful mother in-law. she proceeds to tell me that all she ever hears about from people is how much they like me and how nice i am. and that no one has a negative thing to say about me...blah, blah, blah. well, i felt better after that too.

stolen theory: pushover = nice and assertive = bitch......FOILED! and i was proud of myself.....and a little smug maybe.

then it happened. i received an email regarding one of my attempts at being assertive yet not bitchy. i failed, miserably. what was intended to be a casual and playful confronting, instead went horribly and awfully wrong. i suck. and i really must be the "assertive = bitch" type of person.

i really don't understand....and i have to admit i am completely and utterly shocked.

messy

this song, really speaks to my yoyo self right now. the yoyo self that i have a hard time accepting. however, the truth that i am known by Him. and that it's ok. i've found myself hopping back and forth between feeling sure of the decisions i've made recently and at the same time feeling like the decisions i've made, i haven't really made for myself at all.

It's been so long, said it's been too long
Can't remember when I've felt so known
You're so warm shelter me from the storm
And the fears that are just so cold

when i'm feeling sure of the decisions i've made, the notion that "i'm not really making any difference after all because my life's been so messy" and that "i can't possibly be making a difference...", etc., etc. flow in and the first part of the following verses ring true.

They're telling me things get messy when you care
Things are messy everywhere
and don't I know it,
don't I show it
Every time I look away
'cause what can I do
what can I say to help myself
Or to help anybody else

when i'm feeling that i haven't really made these decisions for myself and that i was somehow "trapped" by this looming "responsibility" that i couldn't deny even if i tried, that's when the second part of the following verses ring true. "You meet me in my need...." how could i deny anyone else when He's met me in my need in the middle of my mess?

You meet me in my need
You bring new life to me
And You go beyond what I feel
Your life brought more than freedom
Your love brought time
just what I needed
to see I needed You

and then again, His peace settles over me with the assurance that it's all apart of His plan....my yoyo self goes through this pattern almost everyday...sometimes almost every hour.

One of these days it will be easier to mean what I say
If I remember each and every day
That this world is not my home and I never walk alone
And before time began my days were known by You~Jill Paquette

deep fried turkey

so we had deep fried turkey this year like we do every year. at least we have for the past five anyway...so, taking a look at the photo below....which one would you guess was deep fried?



well....they both were actually. the black one wasn't actually burnt as you might have thought....the marinating sauce that we used, we spread all over the outside of the turkey and for some reason just got all black. the meat was actually very good - go figure!

recipe

"Treat yourself to..." as my recipe card says...Chinese Chicken Salad.

i really despise cooking. i really don't like it. i don't know why. i'm just not one of those women who get enjoyment out of cooking or baking....however, i've found that if i must cook, the recipe must be one of those - throw all the ingredients together...and you're done, sort of recipes. the following is one of those. i make it only about once or twice a year. thanksgiving and sometimes christmas. i got this recipe from my grandma and i absolutely love this salad! it is really good! i have no idea why it's called chinese chicken salad...because i don't think it is chinese....in any case...here it is. if you decide to try it sometime...shoot me a note telling me how you liked it.

Salad ingredients (all mixed together in one large bowl)
1 head nappa cabbage (torn/cut into bite-size pieces; like you'd cut any other lettuce for a salad)
2-3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts. chopped into cubes and cooked. (i usually use 3)
4-5 chopped, green onions (i usually use 4)
4 tablespoons sesame seeds
2 oz. slivered almonds
2 pks uncooked Ramen noodles. crumbled into bits. (chicken flavor)

Dressing ingredients (all mixed together, then pour on top of salad)
1/2 cup oil (i use vegetable oil)
6 tablespoons Rice Vinegar (i use the oriental green label with no sugar or sodium)
4 teasoons sugar
3-4 tablespoons sesame oil (i use 4)
a dash of cayen pepper
2 packets of chicken flavoring (from the Ramen noodles pks)

after you pour the dressing ingredients on top of the salad, let the salad sit overnight (or at least several hours) before eating. this way all the oils soak in and it's much better!

itunes

Just for fun....go to your itunes and search the library to answer the questions below....then give me a link to your blog so i can read yours. below are my answers.

How many songs?
2432 (and i'm not yet finished importing all my cd's)

Sort by song title:
First: Yakuza Oren 1 - The Rza (Kill Bill - Volume One)
Last: Zero - Smashing Pumpkins listen

Sort by time:
First: Speach:Paul - The Beatles Anthonlogy 1 -Disc 1 (0:07)
Last: Blind Frail (Hidden Track) - Jars of Clay (27:15)
Although because I don't want to copy Kenny, I'll also put down the second longest song: Atom Heart Mother Suite - Pink Floyd (23:44)

Sort by album:
First: Megalomaniac - Incubus - A Crow Left of The Murder listen
Last: You're The Only One - Maria Mena listen

Top Five Most Played Songs:
1. Without Condition - Ginny Owens listen (i created a video with this one that i'll have to get posted up here somehow...)
2. I'm With You - Avril Lavigne listen
3. My Lullaby - Maria Mena listen or read my post on it.
4. Gotta Get Thru This - Daniel Bedingfield listen (i like to run to this one)
5. Psychobabble - Frou Frou listen

Find "death", How many songs come up?
1. Death Of A Party - Blur listen

Find "love", How many songs come up?
198

that was fun. thanks Kenny. ;-)

latest

(above - my newest doodle)
so i've been contemplating creating a separate blog for my doodles and other misc. stuff i've designed....i don't know though, i'd want the blog template to be original and i'm not so sure i have the time to do that...actually i know i don't have the time for it...secretly i've been searching the web for free templates to use but i just can't bring myself to do it...i want to design one myself. speaking of which, i've been working on a new layout/design for this blog but just haven't had the time to work all the kinks out...oh well...eventually - when you're all good and tired of this one...i'll get it done and it'll be about time!

crime scene

so, wednesday morning i got up and headed out my front door on my way to work and across the street the entire block was taped off by police. police men were standing around and there were a couple police cars parked around and inside the taped off area. i wondered about it all day and then last night on the 6-oclock news, they announced that a 14-year old girl was found dead in the basement of the apartment. apparently at about 1am Wednesday morning police were responding to a "burglary in progress." when they got there, there were no signs of breaking and entering and they found the girl, dead. all day yesterday they interviewed the three men that live at the apartment where she was found. the girl didn't live there...she actually goes to a high school completely on the other side of town....

a police car was there, watching the apartment all night last night. the police and news people are calling it a "suspicious death."
they're not releasing any more information than that. they did an autopsy on the girl Wednesday afternoon but aren't releasing the cause of death yet. the girl was identified and the family has requested that her name not be released yet....

it's just weird. and sad. very sad. this girl was one year older than my youngest brother and only one year younger than my youngest sister....it's just very sad and a little freaky to imagine something like this happening so close....and she was so young...

in my head

ok, so i take back what i said in the last post about how i'm not able to find music/lyrics that adequately express the little joys in life...this song is a favorite of mine...i'm drawn to it because of it's steady resolve and underlying thankfulness for everything life brings...good or bad. i don't know how to say this without sounding cheezy - but i really feel that music is God's gift to me...His way of identifying with me...His way of reaching me.....every-time i've felt i've drawn closer to God in our relationship or had a "breakthough" revealing His character, it's been through a song....

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day
You are a river running through the desert plain
You are my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain

I can hear the sound of five drummers in the wind
The leaves blowing in the breeze, ring out like guitars
A tin can rolls across the gravel like a tambourine
I am but a vessel, so I sing, because You are

In my head, You're always in my head
In my dreams, You're always in my head
In my pain, You're always in my head
In my peace, You're always in my head

A rainbow of rhythm stretches across the sky
An airplane in the distance, plays a beautiful cello line
It's no coincidence; it's in tune with the music in my head
If You were a shoulder You're where I would rest, but I am Your
vessel so I hear, You

In my head, You're always in my head
In my fears, You're always in my head
In my joy, You're always in my head
In my tears, You're always in my head

You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day
You are a river, running through a desert plain
You've been my shelter, from the pouring rain
You were my comfort, even before the pain

In my head, you're always in my head
In my dreams, you're always in my head
In my pain, you're always in my head
In my peace, you're always in my head

How can I live a day without music?
How can I live a day without You?
~India.Arie - Always In My Head - Acoustic Soul
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

survival

"The reason I do photographs is to help people understand my music, so it's very important that I am the same, emotionally, in the photographs as in the music. Most people's eyes are much better developed than their ears. If they see a certain emotion in the photograph, then they'll understand the music."
Björk, Index Magazine, July 2001

not only do I like her music....i love her photographs. the pic above is from her website where she lists photographs and video-stills associated with each song. hyper-ballad has always been a favorite of mine despite it's morbidity. i might even go as far as to say maybe because of it's morbidity actually. and no - despite the fact that a lot of my posts here aren't exactly "happy-happy-joy-joy" posts, i don't actually seek out nor do i enjoy negativity....ask anyone who spends any time with me; i'm very much an optimist and thoroughly enjoy all the happy moments in my life that do exist - and there are many. however, i do find it difficult to find songs/lyrics that adequately express, grasp and convey those moments and the feelings associated with them. and i think i like that because it makes me wonder if that's because those little, happy moments that happen in life are so huge in their meaning and significance that not even music or words can express.....anyway, probably not - but just a thought. (i'm not ever sure if any of that made any sense....oh well, whatever.)

anyway - that said. the reason i like it's morbidity is because i find analogies in it that i feel directly link to a time in my life as a child where i felt very trapped in my very existence. it's almost as if this song legitimizes my feelings at the time.

We live on a mountain
Right at the top
There's a beautiful view
From the top of the mountain
Every morning I walk towards the edge
And throw little things off
Like car-parts, bottles and cutlery
Or whatever I find lying around
It's become a habit
A way to start the day

when i look back, i realize that during that time i really had developed coping skills in order to survive. i felt like we lived on a mountain....far away, isolated from others....trapped. i could see all the beauty outside my window, but was not able to reach it for some reason. it became a habit for me to not even think about what it could/would be like to exist in the beautiful environment that I saw on the "outside" but only how to stop it all, and what it would look like, and would anyone even notice? all the while not even knowing for sure if the "beauty" i was seeing was actually a better place than where I was.

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

it wasn't until i moved out on my own that i began to sleep deeper. i was always a very light sleeper; waking at almost nothing. there was a "checklist" of sorts that i always reviewed to myself about how to behave, how to correctly do such-n-such a task, how to be as quiet as a mouse in order to not wake anyone up before they got up on their own. or else. if i just follow my checklist of things to accomplish in a day without screwing up, then i'll be fine and i'll be safe.

It's real early morning
No-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
Still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
On their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks
When it lands
Will my eyes
Be closed or open?

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

Safe up ( here with you ) ...
~Björk - Hyper-Ballad - Post
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

it's amazing to me the many coping-mechanisms that children are capable of creating and using in an unhealthy environment just to survive......i'm hoping to finish putting down those old habits.....it's going to take a lot of work - but i plan on doing it because i refuse to become who i came from.

black & white

i will never begin to have enough words to describe how i feel about sarah. her writing, vocals and music is filled with so much feeling. she would be special simply because i feel that i relate to just about every song she's written but she's even more special to me because my first date with nate was at a concert of hers here in portland. that night was one of the best dates of my life so far.....reminiscing on that moment makes me happy....this songs speaks to where i'm at right now. sarah's music will always be bitter-sweet to me. bitter, only because her lyrics are a reminder of a broken childhood and continual dysfunction going on in my life today - sweet, because of the memories associated with her music and the conversations started with those closest to me, based on her lyrics.

Unravel me
A distant cord
On the outside is forgotten
A constant need

To get along
And the animal awakens
And all I feel is black and white

The road is long
The memory slides
To the whole of my undoing
Put aside
I put away
I push it back to get through each day
And all I feel is black and white
And I'm wound up small and tight
And I don't know who I am

Unravel me
Untie this chord
The very centre of our union
Is caving in
I can't endure
I am the archive of our failure

And all I feel is black and white
And I'm wound up small and tight
And I don't know who I am

Everybody loves you when you're easy
Everybody hates when you're a bore
Everyone is waiting for your entrance so
Don't disappoint them
~Sarah McLachlan - Black & White - Surfacing
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

exhale and live

[...] Sometimes you’ll laugh
Sometimes you’ll cry
Life never tells us, the when’s or why’s
When you’ve got friends, to wish you well
You’ll find your point when
You will exhale [...]~Whitney Houston - Exhale

last night i had a chance to hang out with a couple girlfriends of mine that i haven't seen in a long time. although it had only been a matter of months, it had seemed like we had been apart for years. we met at applebees for happy hour and talked until the restaurant closed. then we continued to talk in the parking lot until they turned the lights out......i could've stayed up and talked to these gals all night....it was so refreshing - so needed.

i got home around 1:30 and hit the sack but for some reason i couldn't sleep...i tossed and turned all night. i couldn't stop thinking about the things we'd discussed. about 10 major, significant things that had turned my whole world upside-down since i had talked to them, since may of this year....it was just so much to go over. much of it i haven't even begun to process yet and i've been simply "surviving" just to make it everyday. as i lay there with my eyes wide open i told myself "just stop thinking. don't think....about anything. think of blank...nothing. stop thinking." but i couldn't, no matter how hard i tried.

i just want a break. i don't want to own the figure of speech "when it rains, it pours." i don't want it to be mine. but it has been for months now. i would love to let it all go...and then exhale. i guess i'm just not there yet....i'm still holding my breath. as my friend said last night, "i'm just feeling a little gun-shy." me too. i'm holding my breath but i don't want to be. i want to exhale and live. free my mind to sleep. free myself to weep.

Don't look back now
Don't look back over years gone by
They're gone and now its time to live
Don't look back now
You have to let your childhood go
And then you'll find a peace within

And you will free ... your mind to sleep
And you will free ... yourself to weep
And you will free ... your mind to sleep
And you will free ... yourself to weep

Don't be afraid
You have so many choices
Hold your head up high and say goodbye
No second thoughts
You have a future waiting
Take my hand and I will show the way
~Donna Lewis - Simone - Now In A Minute
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

quirks

little known facts about me, just because. some of these things are what has convinced my husband that I must have obsessive compulsive disorder. ;-)

1) when putting the lid on my fast food cup or my coffee, i like to position the seam of the cup facing away from me and the lid so that I can read whatever is on the top of it when I take a sip from the straw. (there IS a reason for this too, believe it or not and it's a good one at that.)

2) if there is a spill on our table at a restaurant and there is a napkin handy i always clean it up.

3) i always arrange the sugar packets so that each type is grouped together. i'm a sugar separatist. :-p

4) my favorite shoes are black. my car is black. my dog is black. i'm drawn to black and white only advertisements. i want a black only tattoo, no other colors. i do all my doodling with a black ink or flow pen. my strongest creative pieces have been in all black and white. if you ask me what my favorite color is, i'll tell you it's green or blue.

5) i burp real loud. sometimes i forget where i'm at and burp real loud in fancy restaurants - nate just turns his head and momentarily acts like he doesn't know me. i do the same with him when he let's a fart rip and it ends up being louder and stinkier than he anticipated.

6) i do my best reflecting and thinking on life while in the car driving with the music blaring. i think of a ton of things to blog about in the car but they never make it back with me to the computer.

7) when i see a stranger in the car next to me bobbing to music i turn on the radio and try to find the radio station they're listening to.

8) i'm one of those people that take the exit lane (or any open lane for that matter) as far as i can before merging back into traffic during rush hour.

9) i secretly want to learn to dance but would never make it for fear of looking like an idiot during the transition from non-dancer to dancer. and even if i did buck up and learn to dance i would never actually go to a club and actually dance.

10) i'm terribly forgetful.

11) i hate those drivers that speed up really fast at the start of a green light just to beat me when I'm not even racing them....and then slow down. i'm one of those drivers.

12) i use the word "serious" way to often. "seriously?" "are you serious?" "no, serious?" "seriously!" "come on, serious?" "seriously now....really...come on...for serious."

13) i forget my closest friends' birthdays and anniversaries but remember other people's birthdays whom i'm not especially close to.

14) i've made it a very deliberate habit of mine to turn my turn signal on before i hit my brakes to start turning. it really drives me nuts when drivers start slowing down and give absolutely no indication to the person behind them, why in the world they are slowing down.

15) i refuse to turn into an old lady that thinks "kids nowadays are just so terrible! when i was a kid...." i want to be a cool old lady that continues to enjoy new things.

16) i like to play DDR. my sister got me into it. and as if that wasn't dorky enough by itself; i like to do it for exercise on "workout" mode.

17) i like to eat saltines crackers with butter on them. i love potatoes - pretty much any form. fried, baked, it doesn't matter. i could live off potatoes. when i was little I used to make peanut butter and sugar sandwiches.

kitty almond roca

a couple posts ago I mentioned how I loved my dogs. it's true. I really do. but I don't love that they love kitty almond roca! i.e. poop that's been carefully buried by it's owner in the litter box. it's not meant to be touched after that; especially by a dog's mouth! Yeuukkk!

Click on the picture below to make some yourself!

contact

piggy backing on my other post today, crash - and because we get to go see him at a club in Portland November 3rd!

You're walking down the street
You've got this white Chevy Lumina undercover
Checking you to see
They're checking your I.D.
'Cause it's a fine time
It's a fine time
It's a fine time
Say just to run a name
'Cause you look the same
As the dude with the rebel in his veins
But while you're checking me
You've got them crooked politicians
Eating up the treasury
And taking our cash
To spend on the prisons
While the youth they fast
Now I'm waiting on the day
When we can all bring
Like Martin Luther King
This is why I sing

I want some contact contact
Contact contact
Only because my life depends on it
~Citizen Cope - Citizen Cope
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

crash

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.~Graham

as humans, we crave personal relationship. we were created to experience personal relationship in it's fullest and most wonderful capacity - then something went horribly wrong. since we can't get it the way God intended, we grapple, scratch, and grasp for it, eventually attaining only a semblance of the real thing.

i watched this movie about a month ago. i haven't been able stop thinking about it since. it's such a great movie. very moving - thought provoking. it's one I will add to my very small, very selective collection of DVDs.

listen to the soundtrack.
see the trailer.

dogs

oh a dog's life. *sigh*



aside from the occasional pesky flee, how nice would it be to have such a carefree and worry free existence....hmmm.

I see this picture and I so love my dogs - and I so need a vacation! This is where I'm at right now.

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like storms to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
for a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
~Jennifer Knapp - Kansas

friggin' idiot

"What the heck are you guys doing? Trying to ruin my life, make me look like a friggin' idiot?" - Napoleon Dynamite

unlike napoleon, i don't need anyone to make me look like a friggin' idiot....i do that just fine all by myself.

so, i poked my eye with my finger on monday. i'm a retard. and yes, it was an accident. ya, i poked it so bad that my cornea has a big 'ol finger nail scratch on it! man - eye injuries suck! monday night i couldn't sleep because every time my eyes started to roll back further in my head when i would start to get into a little deeper sleep, i would wake up in pain because my eye lid was scraping on the scratch on my cornea....it was bad. the doc gave me vicodin to take. ya, that made me throw up. fortunately this morning i woke up feeling fine and don't even need a tylenol. the opthamologist said that the cornea is the best place to injure your eye because it's the fastest healing; it's also the place that hurts the worst because of all the nerve endings.....so, hurt a lot for a little while, or hurt a little for a long while....hmmmm. in the end, i'm glad to have had the extreme pain-short term.

lesson learned: don't poke yourself in the eye....not a good idea.
check out my gimpy eye.

mmmMMMmmmmmm....With my naked eye I saw - all the falling rain - coming down on me......

harry potter vs. narnia

Nate and I ran into a couple in the hot tub at Skamania Lodge about a month ago. we didn't know them but the guy signaled to the book nate was reading and commented approvingly on his choice. nate was reading mere christianity by c.s. lewis. love c.s. lewis! so, we started talking about what a great author, thinker, philosopher c.s. lewis was and what great books he put out. that lead us to the chronicles of narnia (sp?) series and our excitement at the new movie coming out on the series....as the conversation progressed we were able to deduct that they were "religious" of some sort and they realized the same of us, or at least it was assumed when we mentioned that both of us work at our church full time).......we were doing fine and connecting well until the guy said "oh we just love c.s. lewis and the chronicles of narnia. it's such a great way for kids to learn about good and evil [...] but you know those harry potter books they've got out these days....they're just plain evil! it's just a shame how parents let their kids read that garbage [...] you know i've seen kids before and after reading those books and their whole outlook changes....they become depressed and angry [...] blah, blah, blah....

our conversation was over after that, just as soon as it began. what was i supposed to say to that? we just kinda responded like, "oh really?" and there wasn't much to say after that......they just assumed that because we worked at a church we would hold the same opinions as them.......it really baffles me how christians get soooo legalistic and judgmental. i'm still baffled to this day at how i so quickly became that way when i was 15....thankfully i got over that quick....

what is the difference between the magic in the chronicles of narnia that c.s. lewis writes about and the magic in harry potter? if the guy's case on the matter is that the narnia books are great for showing kids good and evil......harry potter does just that! they both include magic. seriously, am i really missing something that's very terribly wrong with harry potter? i'm willing to hear someone's debate on this if they think i'm wrong....maybe i'll hear some feedback that'll make me change my mind. but until then.....i think all the negative hubbub surrounding harry potter is stupid and just another way for religious christians to create an "in" or "out" of the club mentality towards other people and makes it easier for them to reject people while feeling justified in doing so.

making fun

so I recently suedo-admonished a friend of mine for not being able to take a joke. for taking things too seriously and getting annoyed by the very fun, yet very nerdy prank me and some other nerds (who will remain nameless) pulled at his expense. after having said that some of you now know what I'm talking about. for those of you who don't, unfortunately you will have to remain in the dark unless the poor soul whom we pranked decides to share it with you....

so back to the reason for this post. i got to thinking about my suedo-admonishment towards my friend and wondered "really how i would feel if i had been pranked in the same way?" of course, i immediately respond to myself by saying "i would totally just get over it, laugh about it, and in general be a good sport." myself spoke yet again and countered by saying "well then how would you prove that? how do you know how you would respond in the same situation?" i didn't have such a quick response after that and i do believe that there is really no way to predict, how i would respond in the same situation however, i did come up with a good way to test whether i'm a good sport or not when it comes to poking fun at myself........and THAT my friends is what follows below!



that's right! i was 15 and wanted to be a model, so what does every 15 year old girl do when they want to start putting a portfolio together? get Glamour Shots done! of course!

Oh, but that's not all.... because you know that this is really great black-mail material and even if i were to stop here, it would certainly be enough but nooooo! to prove that i'm a good sport about it, I'm gonna give you more!


now you've seen the green & gold outfit....how about the white and black outfits?



are you still alive? can you handle more? ok, this is about it.....this is the last of all I have....


ok! now it's your turn! let me have it!

actually what would be really fun is if you guys all downloaded the pics, drew on my face too, then posted them in your comments! i'd love to see all your beautiful artwork on my face............go!

imix

Click on the pic above to see my new running imix in itunes. This is one of my top favorite playlists to run to. (see below for explanation on why this one as opposed to the last one I posted is now my favorite.) However, there are 5 more songs on my playlist that itunes does not yet have available. So here is the order and titles in case you find them elsewhere....

1. Me, Myself and I - Beyonce - Dangerously in Love
2. All or Nothing - Athena Cage - Save The Last Dance Soundtrack
3. Breathe - Telepopmusik - Genetic World
4. Gotta Get Thru This (D'n'D Radio Edit) - Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta Get Thru This
5. Ready Or Not (Dance Mix) - Fugees
6. Can't Get You Out of My Head - Kylie Minogue - Fever
7. Wherever You Are (I Feel Love) - Laava - Wherever You Are (I Feel Love) EP
8. The Edge - Eiffel 65 - Europop
9. Burn for You - Kreo' - Perfect Playlist: Dance, Vol. 1
10. Scatman - Scatman John
11. Sanstorm - Darude - Radikal Techno, Vol. 5
12. Crazy Train - Madonna & Ozzy
13. Stole - Kelly Rowland - Simply Deep
14. My Life - Mary J. Blige - My Life
15. Emotional Rollercoaster - Vivian Green - A Love Story

Enjoy!

P.S. As you will see, some of the songs are repeats from the last playlist that I posted but, go figure, after using that playlist a couple of times...I ended up hating it!! Some of the songs just got old way too fast...for example: one of outcasts' songs repeated the "female dog" word (you know which one I'm talking about) over and over in varying ways until the song was over....that got real old, real fast and just made me mad...not energized after the workout...SO! This is a good one!
P.S.S. To see more of my imixes, just click on "see all imixes by this user" and it will take you to any others I've put together.

too good

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby.
Let me love you.

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay and let me love you..
~Frankie Valli - The Very Best of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

Nate and I first heard this song when we watched the movie Conspiracy Theory with Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts. For some reason we love the movie and we have adopted this song as "our song." I like Lauryn Hill's version of it better which is a track that is on her "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" album. I have the album and know it's there but for some reason itunes doesn't have it listed. If you have a chance, listen to it; it's a great song and it's made even better with the cool remake by Lauryn Hill.

...so Nate, babe this post's for you!

re-offender

Keeping up appearances
Keeping up with the Jones'
Fooling my selfish heart
Going through the motions

But I'm fooling myself
I'm fooling myself
Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorry's
But then you do it again, you do it again

Everybody thinks you're well
Everybody thinks I'm ill
Watching me fall apart
Falling under your spell

But you're fooling yourself
You're fooling yourself
Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorry's
And then you do it again, you do it again
And again and again and again and again
~Travis - Singles
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

isms

so I walked into a public restroom about a month ago and saw a bunch of graffiti on the wall; it said:

"Death to isms!!" then under it was a bunch of examples..."racism, sexism," etc. I had to laugh as I read it though because although I agree with the written message.....I'm thinking to myself what about the bigger message, the unspoken message you're (whoever it was) communicating......what about vandalism?

....I have yet to get the bumper sticker that says "BE the change you wish to see in the world" to put on my car....fighting isms like racism, sexism, etc. is always easier said than done....I believe change happens one person at a time and starts with the individual themselves.

really, what kind of social change is going to be brought about against "isms" by vandalizing on a wall in a public restroom....come on!

long overdue

Ok so I'm long overdue in getting this out since being tagged by mary. so here goes...


HISTORY
10 years ago: I was 16. I don't really remember much of my 16th year. I know I didn't have the traditional 16th birthday party or anything special.....either that or I don't remember it.....I do remember however that the year before I went with Teen Missions International and a group of 24 other kids and 4 leaders to the Phillippines.....that was a really great experience for me...I came back with a completely different and significantly positive world view (one less sheltered), which was positive although a down side of the trip was that I came back way over-religious towards my siblings. I don't really know how it happened either but it affected them so much that even today they still comment on how damaging it was for them and our relationship.....when I look back on that time in my life I shudder to think I was really like that.....but I guess that's how you learn....

5 years ago: Let's see...that would make me 21....Hmmmm.....I had been married for a year by then to my incredible hubby. (who spoils me rotten and by the way never posts so I don't even know why I link to him anymore!) ;-) ) I think by then we had bought our first house...way out in BFE...oh, I mean Battle Ground...I was working in the accounting department at the corporate office of an Assisted Living Facility called Prestige Care as an accounting assistant. (wow, that was a mouthful) The job was a much needed change from my previous Customer Service job at ROSS. And I actually requested to be placed in the Customer Service department!! How naive was that!?!? Anyway...I don't know what else I was doing....oh, not talking to my parents? Ya, how could I forget that one?

1 year ago (in June): My husband and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary! I was also in school full-time at the local community college studying to become a Radiation Therapist and working part-time at the PRC as their bookkeeper. I don't know much else of what happened last year that was significant....

Yesterday: What did I do yesterday? It was Saturday.....oh ya, I went shopping for tikki torches for decorating the stage for Under One Sky, then dropped nate off at McKenzie Stadum, went to Master Cuts, bought a few T-shirts, then went back to the stadium where we were setting up for Under One Sky (see below). I tried to help set up decorations but ended up running to pick up more supplies, got stuck in traffic, and by the time I came back, the decorating was done. So, since I had nothing better to do I came home and went to bed.

PRESENT
Today: I got up and went to an event my church puts on once a year called Under One Sky where on our last day of Summer Festival, the entire church meets in a huge stadium (open roof, hence the "sky" part) for one large service instead of the usual 3 services Saturday pm and 3 services Sunday am. Summer Festival, in case you were wondering, is this big thing my church does every year where a bunch of events (over 50) are planned/coordinated and jam packed into two weeks of "family fun!" (see the big smile on my face as I say that? - whenever I explain Summer Festival to people I feel like I sound like a commercial.)

Tomorrow: I am going to sleep in. I love sleeping in. I just plain love to sleep. I think that's why I like camping so much. You get to just sit around and do just about nothing all day. Hike here, nap there...a little bit of marshmallow there....ok, random...moving on...

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Pistachios
2. Smarties
3. Pepsi
4. Chocolate-covered cherries.
5. Starbucks Venti Carmel Macchiato with extra carmel.

5 bands whose songs I know most of the lyrics to:
1. Nichole Nordeman
2. Sarah McLaughlin
3. Fiona Apple
3. Radiohead
4. Alanis Morrisette

5 things I would do with $100,000,000:
1. Give to my church and other area churches.
2. Pay off the debt of my close friends and family members.
3. Put money away for future-kids' college fund(s).
4. Misc. renovation projects on my home.
5. ???????

5 locations I'd like to run away to:
1. Any cool camping spot.
2. Any place where Nate and I can hang out for a time of rest and relaxation.
3. France
4. Ireland
5. Papua, Indonesia

5 bad habits I have:
1. Being forgetful
2. Not fully listening
3. Never admitting when I'm wrong
4. Clipping my finger nails no matter where I am, no matter who's around. (Mary, you reminded me of this. I do it too!)
5. Constantly re-setting the alarm and waking up 15 minutes past when I'm supposed to each morning.

5 things I like doing:
1. Camping and/or Yurting
2. Hiking
3. Weeding my yard - there's something about it, I don't know....
4. Jogging - very slowly I might add
5. Walking with my best friend around the neighborhood

5 things I would never wear:
1. Capris - I don't know....just can't do it.
2. Anything uncomfortable
3. Leggings - haven't done it since the 80's...will never do it again....never.
4. Pegged and/or tapered jeans/pants. (ones that you have to pull over your heel to get on...ya, just bad. - I guess it's another 80's thing)
5. Hmmm, can't think of anything else....I think "anything uncomfortable" about sums it up.

5 TV shows I like:
1. 24
2. ER
3. Everybody Loves Raymond
4. Arrested Development
5. Friends

5 movies I like: (gosh, there's too many!)
1. Garden State
2. Fight Club
3. Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
4. The Usual Suspect
5. Romeo & Juliet

5 famous people I'd like to meet:
There really aren't any famous people I'd like to meet....I'm sure they'd all just about turn out to be lower than my expectations of them anyway....how well do you "know" famous people anyway....I don't know. Before meeting the author of Blue Like Jazz, Don Miller, I think I would have said him I guess....

5 biggest joys at the moment:
1. Having great, supportive friends. They are my family.
2. Having a job I love.
3. Owning my own home.
4. Having two awesome dogs.
5. The security of knowing that God is seriously in capable control of everything going on in my life....even now.

5 favorite toys:
1. My ipod
2. My new camera - I got it for graduation/26th birthday. It's a Canon, Digital Rebel XT, 8 megapixel - I know you were wondering.
3. My hiking gear - I know it sounds retarded.
I can't think of any others at the moment....

5 people to tag:
In a last, desperate attempt to get the church nerds posting again, I tag:
1. Nate
2. Hohman
3. Peter
4. Kenny

& last, but not least....

5. Allan (non-church nerd - at least not one from the above listed group)

.....BTW, this is a double tag - you better get to it! ;-)

spies

I awake to find no peace of mind
I said, how do you live as a fugitive?

Down here where I cannot see so clear.

I said, what do I know?
Show me the right way to go
And the spies came out of the water
But you’re feeling so bad cos you know
And the spies hide out in every corner
But you can’t touch them no
Cos they’re all spies, they’re all spies

I awake to see that no one is free
We’re all fugitives
Look at the way we live
Down here, I cannot sleep from fear no

I said, which way do I turn?
I forget everything I learn
But the spies came out of the water
But you’re feeling so bad cos you know
And the spies hide out in every corner
But you can’t touch them though
Cos they’re all spies, they’re all spies

And if we don’t hide here
They’re going to find us
If we don’t hide now
They’re going to catch us where we sleep
And if we don’t hide here
They’re going to find us
~Coldplay - Parachutes

Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

for whatever reason, I was raised in a very fear-driven home. everyone else (outside the family) were always not to be trusted...."they don't understand," "they don't know," etc........there was also an ever present feeling of paranoia and irrationalism in my home life................hence "spies." and i felt like we were constantly running and always isolated; we were essentially "fugitives."

my life

My Life - Mary J. Blige - My Life
**New! Click on the pic to listen to a clip from itunes!**

If you looked in my life
And see what I’ve seen...
If you looked in my life
And see what I’ve seen...

Life can be only what you make it
When you’re feeling down
You should never fake it
Say what’s on your mind
And you’ll find in time
That all the negative energy
It would all cease

And you’ll be at peace with yourself
You won’t really need no one else
Except for the Man up above
Because He’ll give you love

If you looked in my life
And see what I've seen
You will see I'm so blue
Down and out
Crying every day
Don't know what to do or to say
If you looked into my life
And see what I've seen

Take your time
Baby don’t you rush a thing
Don’t you know, I know
We all are struggling
I know it is hard
But we will get by
And if you don’t believe in me
Just believe in He

Cause He’ll give you peace of mind
Yes He will
And you will see the sunshine
For real, yes you would
And you’ll get to free your mind
And things will turn out fine
Oh, I know that things will turn out fine
Yes they would, yes they would

If you looked at my life
And see what I've seen
All you got to do is
Take your time
One day at a time
It's all on you
What you're going to do
If you looked at my life
And see what I've seen

office space

"damn, it feels good to be a gansta!"

Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In... yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What's that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits instead of four.
So, like 98 instead of 1998? Uh... so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh... I don't like my job, and, uh... I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nah-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: An hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know... I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.

ok allan here's my office space. and I'm sporting my "i-hate-posing-for-pictures-and-I'm-trying-really-hard-not-to-look-dorky" face. :)

pulling my hair out!

ok; i don't know about you, but listening to someone eat with their mouth open is sooooo annoying!...

so i'm sitting here at work and there is a volunteer sitting next to me who is snacking on skittles very loudly! to make matters even worse I can't go anywhere! i'm positioned in the area of my workplace people like to call the "petting zoo." (it's called this because it is an open workspace area with computers where people are able to walk thru all the time...) and to make matters even more worse (i know those words together aren't grammatically correct, sue me.) i have such a hard time concentrating as it is without the added, annoying distraction of this lady next to me smacking! if i knew how to record it and post it here, i would so that all of you could experience my misery....

....this is going to be a very long day. *sigh*

addicted

you know you're addicted to photoshop when...

You Know You're Addicted to Photoshop When...

You see the world with one eye and stock images with the other. When asked what the primary colors are, answer "RGB" You get the urge to 'fix' poor quality images. You start teaching your significant other to use this "evil" program and in the space of one afternoon convince them it's at least only quasi-evil in the face of PSP. You ramble about a breakthrough in the piece you're doing to people who have no idea in hell what you're talking about You ponder the meaning of existence without layers. You never leave the house without a digicam and notepad. You drop something and your brain tells you automatically "Ctrl-Z! Ctrl-Z!". When you realize it won't work, your brain tells you "Ctrl-Alt-Z! Ctrl-Alt-Z!" You're getting dressed for something important and you look in the mirror and realize you would look so much better if you could just tweak the levels a little and apply a slight gaussian blur. You stop on the street to rant about cheesey effects that should not be on professional posters. You scream out fonts as they appear on TV. You have dreams in "glowing edges" You're standing by the ocean and wondering who used Ocean Ripple. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Photoshop.

Get Your Own Addicted Meme Here



More cool things for your blog at
Blogthings

ex factor

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me?

Where were you when I needed you?

Click here to listen to a clip of this song from itunes.

paul

here's a graphic I created for the teaching series at my church focusing on the life of the apostle paul. the photograph was taken by dking.

coffee

You are a Black Coffee

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

kelly

So if my last post wasn't enough for you, here's another few songs that have made it to my guilty pleasures music list...sad, I know. I guess the real reason I like this album is because of the lyrics...I could have posted the lyrics for every single song I relate to them so much; but I'll be nice and won't torture you that bad...I'll just post bits from some of my top favorites.

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed
I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway[...]
~Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway
Click here to listen to a clip of this song from itunes.

You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
~Kelly Clarkson - Hear Me
Click here to listen to a clip of this song from itunes.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid [...]

I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
~Kelly Clarkson - Because of You
Click here to listen to a clip of this song from itunes.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
~Kelly Clarkson - Addicted
Click here to listen to a clip of this song from itunes.

playlist

there's nothing quite like a great playlist for running....I find that unless I have a playlist of great songs to motivate me while I'm running I really can't make it...I know, I know, I could "push through it" and "it's all about motivation" the nike ad, "just do it" comes to mind........blah, blah, blah........whatever, with a capitol W. a part of my brain knows all that but nevertheless, it really does help to have great music with great beats to help me keep a good pace. i love it when i get in "the groove" while running where everything else fades away and it's just me, the pavement and the pace of my feet, one foot in front of the other moving to the beat of the song......oh, I just love that feeling so much. it's when I'm in "the groove" that I feel rejuvenated; like I could come home afterwards from running and do just about anything I want.....i don't really know how else to describe it but i feel the best about myself when I'm in "the groove." there aren't many moments of high self-esteem in my life that I experience on a regular basis but when I'm in "the groove" I feel it, and it makes the aches in my legs and my lack of breath all worth it in the end.

So, with that said, here is one of my newest playlists. I tested it out tonight as a matter of fact. I've arranged all the songs so that I have a 50 minute workout: one 5 minute song for warm up, then a full 30 minutes of faster paced songs that gradually increase in beats per minute, then about 15 minutes of slow songs that gradually decrease in beats per minute for cool down. I used to teach water aerobics at the community pool when I was in high school. none of the aerobic tapes were mixed with very good songs so I made up my own......i've been doing it ever since.

DISCLAIMER: Almost ALL of these songs are among my "guilty pleasures" music list. I promised I'd share more with you, so here you go! :) be nice to me.....


Me, Myself & I - Beyonce' - Dangerously In Love
Seven Days - Craig David - Born To Do It
I Don't Wanna Know - Mario Winans Ft. P. Diddy
Rock Your Body - Justin Timberlake - Justified
Naughty Girl - Beyonce' - Dangerously In Love
Roses - Outkast - Speakerboxx/The Love Below
The Way You Move - Outkast - Speakerboxx/The Love Below
Fill Me In - Craig David - Born To Do It
Toxic OK - Britney Spears - In The Zone - ADVANCE
Rise And Fall - Craig David Ft. Sting - Slicker Than Your Average
My Life - Mary J. Blige - My Life
U Got It Bad - Usher - 8701
Emotional Rollercoaster - Vivian Green - A Love Story

drowning

Well, as promised here is an example of a part of my final project for my Design Fundamentals class last quarter. :)This was the picture on the front cover of a notebook that we had to create - the contents were filled with what we had learned over the quarter.....maybe I'll post those too later.

This picture was also part of a previous assignment from the class where we were experimenting in types of texture. This is an example of visual as opposed to tactile/actual texture. I scanned in my hair, face, hands and then put them together in photoshop. :)

graphic

...here's a graphic I created for my church's weekend service where the talk was entitled "Christ in a Contrary Culture." the picture was shot by saimen.