yield

so, in the spirit of christmas, i was going to post the song "wishlist" from this album however, this song fits a little better currently. if you've never listened to this album, you're missing out. in my opinion it's the best ever from peal jam. love it, love it.

Here's a token of my openness
Of my need to not disappear
How I'm feeling, so revealing to me
I found my mind too clear
I just need someone to be there for.. me
I just want someone to be there for.. me

All the static in my attic-a
Shoots down my sciatic nerve
To the ocean of my platitudes
Longitudes, latitudes, it's so absurd
I just need someone to be there for..
I just want someone to be there for..
Someone to be there for..

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way

Ooh, let's call in an angel

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way
'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way
No way, no way
Let's call in an angel
Who's calling an angel?

~Pearl Jam - No Way
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

hope

Hope In Hard Times is the teaching series we just finished at my church currently. "Waiting In Hope" was the main theme a couple weeks ago, and it was really challenging for me. i'm not a patient person. waiting and not knowing is not something i like. it drives me insane actually. i really have a hard time with the unknown, unplanned and unexpected. i hate surprises. i hate not knowing what's in front of me. i'm a planner. a crazy planner, and a disorganized one at that (don't ask). but that's me. uncertainty? ugh. yuck. yuck. yuck. i don't like not knowing...that's why this talk and even a random blog post find, really hit home.

for the talk series, we've been going through 1 Peter. this week was 1 Peter 4:7-19. in the first few verses, peter talks about what it means to be a christian in relationship with other people especially during conflict and "hard times" with them. peter's challenge to us is to continue to love and serve those in your community when you're going thru tuff stuff but especially when going thru tuff stuff caused by other people. not just people "out there," but people close to home. people that are supposed to love and support you through thick and thin but currently aren't for whatever reason.

after stumbling across this post from Nae, i really felt it mirrored closely what peter was saying also but from another angle. some of it that especially hit home, i've pasted below:

"As my friend Allan says, we must be willing to protect our friendships, and make sure that we don’t loose them over things that can be worked out. I realize that sometimes we might not say the complete truth because we either are not sure if the feelings or attraction are worth a penny or sometimes we are just afraid to hurt the other person so we figure it’s better to tell them half truths, other times we blatantly lie or remain silent thinking we are protecting the person or may be protecting ourselves…trust me, I’ve applied these reasons often times. In reality when the actual truth unfolds at a latter time, it causes even more pain than if everything was laid out at the very beginning. What honesty does is that it lets the person or people involved know what is actually going on…even if that’s the only thing that it accomplishes. I highly doubt that it does anyone any good, especially living in a small community, to live half-truth lives or protect ourselves by not speaking the truth. Now, I’m not advocating for people to always broadcast everything that is going on every time they think they like someone or something along those lines, but I think the minute we realize it might create some tension, it should be brought up for the sake of protecting our friendships. What honesty doesn’t do is make the hurt or disappointment less real, in fact it does the complete opposite. At the end of the day, if the truth is out there, each person is responsible for what they do with it. Along these same lines, I think the people around us should also play an important role to make sure that we are living honestly with our intentions, feelings and actions."

i feel like i was challenged by peter but also by nae. nae challenged and reminded me that relationships require honesty. peter challenged me to continually love and serve even in the midst of conflict and struggle with other people, even the ones that are afraid to bring their concerns up. i truly agree that it makes things worse and damages relationships to avoid conflict rather than confronting it "...I think the minute we realize it might create some tension, it should be brought up for the sake of protecting our friendships."

i pray that the moment i realize i might have an issue with someone or something, that i approach my feelings with that person honestly and without delay...because i've felt the damaging effects of the opposite and it hurts.

undo

this is so awesome!

ridiculous

ya. this is me. 100%

do I?

this says it all.

I must express the way it feels
to write all day without a care
Conversation and a coffee
I wanna talk about
the good things in my life
I wanna try to be alright
I can care about the way
love makes me feel
I can care about the good
things that are real
I don't wanna have to think about
the ways that I'm so bad
I don't wanna have to think about
the things that make me sad
Do I?

There are things that
make me smile everyday
The jokes we play
The funny things we say
There's nothing like the joy
they could see in my eyes
When I think about
the man in my life
I can care about the way
he makes me feel
I can care because his love
makes me feel real
I don't wanna have to think about
the ways that will be bad
I don't wanna have to think about
the days that will be sad
Do I?

~Alice Smith - For Lovers, Dreamers & Me
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

teresa lyrics

these lyrics are how i feel now. and how convenient for the song title to be my name. and spelled right. but that's beside the point. i've been rolling different thoughts around in my head for a while now. like how much i love my job. like how my work life, home life and family life all bleed together so nicely. "alone is no way to live" and i agree. "this feeling it don't happen by yourself" and i agree. "we could love...we can love...one another" and i agree. and i'd like to add that all this happens while i'm busy, busy, people say too busy working at that church. oh, i feel a rant coming on. yes. i do work a lot. but i love what i do. and tony loves being here. he's apart of our work life, home life and family life. we do it all together. all of it.
(ok, i guess that was just a short rant. maybe more on that later.) oh, and we get to go to another citizen cope concert in october! it should be great. especially since his new album just came out. should be cool to hear some of his new tunes live.

Breathing
Don't happen
By yourself
Alone
Is no
Way to live
This feeling
It don't happen
By yourself
Alone
Is no
Way to live
We could love
We can love
One another
We could love
We can love
One another
We could love

~Citizen Cope - Citizen Cope
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

trip

Go here to see what i've been up to; our vacation this past week. nate biked the entire oregon coast, from the astoria bridge on the washington side clear thru to the california border! me and tony along with alicia and kurt all tagged along for the fun of it. nate biked with tim (alicia's hubby) and tim's friend, Jason. they rocked. i'm really proud of nate....i for sure couldn't have done it.

life

i love how my personal life, my work life and my family life all blend together. it may seem odd to some but to me, i relish in it. i love it. i'm not exactly sure why either. but i do. maybe it's because i never experienced family growing up. or maybe it's simply because i'm extroverted. who knows. but i don't know how i'd live without those worlds touching each other.

my second to the youngest sister came to hang out with me at a summer festival event today. that made me so happy. she's quirky. and she knows it. she likes to try and embarrass me. and she usually does. but i love that she came. she got to meet people in my world. that made me happy. so my second to the youngest sis, if you're reading this, know that you made me very happy today. and just for good measure, thanks for sharing your tentative, new-found perspective on the "mom" thing with me. i hope it sticks. ;-)

this was for you girl. i love you.

conference 2006!

this was the opening video of the worship conference I went to a few weeks ago at saddleback church.

Click here for the video. so awesome.

beach

so first. we went to the beach the week before last. just nate and i. it was awesome! the weather was perfect the entire time! here are some pics to prove it.

again, i can't say enough about how much i love the northwest.we ate crab, walked on the beach, walked around cannon beach. we just did touristy things. there is this awesome glass shop too that we love to go to. they make glass bowls, vases, etc. right there in the shop so everyone can see the process. it's pretty neat. get's a little hot in there sometimes though.
i'm at a loss for words on what else we did cause other than what i listed above, we simply did nothing. literally. most of the time we just sat in the house we rented reading books. ahhhh, it was awesome. peace and quiet. sitting and reading for however long we wanted. undisturbed. it was great.

stayed tuned for my thoughts/reflections on the book i started and finished in those two days at the beach. Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

saddleback

currently i'm in california at a worship conference at saddleback church. this is my second time. i went two years ago too. this isn't much, just a quick update to say i'm still alive. stay tuned for pics from my beach trip to cannon beach with nate. i read a whole book during our time at the beach so i'll tell you about that too. it was an awesome book. and hopefully i'll have some thoughts on the conference later too. until then, tatta!

i pinch

oh i love this!

for more where this came from, go here.

quote

a quote from my pastor:

"It’s only when we slow down and stop taking ourselves so seriously – that we are free to deal with God very seriously." ~Matt Hannan

i agree 100%. and this is why i joke about "serious" stuff. 'cause nothing else matters apart from my relationship with god.

june

i realize it's been awhile since i last posted. especially since my hubby is starting to brag that he's gotten in more posts than me...you know it's been awhile when he's saying that! so i've decided to rectify that. but what to post about?

i had a birthday. that was cool. however, it was foreshadowed by the fact that the month of may is simply becoming a bad luck month for me. it's june now. i like that. not just because it's my middle name but because june means may is finally over. i'm not sure what it is but this was the second may in a row that's been emotionally draining for me. last may as most of you know, my dad was put in prison (very good thing - but still weird), my 13 (now 14) year old brother came to live with my husband and i (good - but still a hard adjustment) and my mother went crazy...well i shouldn't say went crazy....uh, exposed herself as a new kind of crazy to the rest of my family (also good - but still weird).

now, i have to admitt, this may wasn't as bad as last may....but as my close friends put it, it seems like i've gone from one emotionally draining "crisis" to another! just as i got over one, i'm onto the next! (wish i could share more, but can't) and how right they are. one especially funny and honestly uplifting comment from one of my friends, "teresa, don't you just feel like sitting in one spot and just swearing, over and over and over again!?" truth be told? YES but i won't say more on the grounds that i may incriminate myself.

then i found this quote:

Then, when it seems we will never smile again, life comes back.

deep breath in.....deep, slow, relaxing breath out. that's what i needed.

silverstar

so the day we were supposed to hike hamilton mountain we did silverstar instead. it was a short hike though because we ran into snow. here's the pic. from left to right: me, nate, matt, peter.

survey

ok. here are the questions:

1. What comes to mind when you hear this: "The Treasure Quest: Living a Pirate's Dream"
2. How much is too much to pay for a T-shirt promoting a church event?
3. What qualities would you want in that T-shirt.
4. Of those qualities, choose your top three "deal makers." In other words, what top qualities on your list would make you want to pay money for the T-shirt?
5. How old are you? (because I'd like to know the age range of the survey group)

and lastly

6. Would you be willing to get your friends to respond on this too and get back to me with their responses?

even if the answer to that last question is "no" I'd still love to get your responses. so? what say you?

i'm waiting in anxious anticipation. i'm biting my nails.

today

i just thought i'd post what my tat looks like today. i just noticed that the only pics on here of it are the fresh, painful ones. i think this looks much better.

hike

a couple weeks ago nate and i hiked angel's rest with some friends. it's a hike near multnoma falls. it was gorgeous (sp?) weather and the view was awesome! this is yet another reason why i love the northwest so much. we're going out again next friday to hike hamilton mt. i can't wait. i suppose i could write a bunch more, but i'll stop here. (i'm lazy)

funk

i've been in a blogging funk lately. not wanting to post on anything, not feeling i have anything to post about. feeling insecure, feeling overconfident, feeling gipped, feeling extremely blessed, feeling messed up. feeling like i don't have much to offer but i know it's not true and even if it were, that would still be enough. just a funk.

dustin is a friend of mine and his song "all i've got" simply fits me right now.

sometimes i say too much and
sometimes i don't say enough
sometimes i hurt the ones that you all know i'd like to love and
sometimes i just give in when i know that i shouldn't
sometimes i'm too afraid
sometime it's just too late

this is all i've got
it's all i am
all i've got
it's all for you

every now and then i lie
when i wanna tell the truth
sometimes i run so hard
all i want's to be with you
sometimes i feel like you're not there
when you say you're everywhere
sometimes i'm too afraid
sometimes it's just too late

this is all that i've got
this is all that i've got
this is all that i've got
and it's all for you

and if i tell you that i love you do you love me
can you hear me can you hear me
if i tell you that i need you do you want me
can you hear me calling out

i think of all the price you paid
i pray thee lord my soul to take
every time i pray every time

this is all i've got
it's all i am
all i've got
it's all for you
~Ruth - Ruth EP
Click here to listen to it from mySpace.

sunny days

...sunny days, chasing the - clouds away...Hm, Hm, Hm - Hu, hu, hu, HU - HU - HU...can you tell me how to get? how to get to sesame street?

i love all the sunny days lately! i'm so excited for summer!

so i know i've been away for a while. i've been a little preocupied. all last week i worked on a brochure for the annual Summer Festival Race For the Homeless. in a bout a week or two both the race and the summer festival pages should be updated...or at least the race one should this coming week. it should be cool. i'm excited about that too cause this is the first year i get to help design it! sweet!

that's all.

camping

i love camping. for those that know me well, this is no surprise. we had last weekend off and spent it camping on the oregon coast...it was really nice. it only rained saturday morning but was clear the rest of the time....**sigh** oh it was great to get away!





that's all. full stop. over and out. ;-)

in it

"Sam: You're in it right now, aren't you?
Andrew Largeman: What?
Sam: My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it."
~Garden State

...ya, i'm in it right now...

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
~Sarah McLachlan - Angel
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

surprises

no explanation necessary...

Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me.
Everyday, everyhour, wish that I was..
was Bullet Proof

Wax me, mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in.
You have turned me into this, just wish that it..
was Bullet Proof

So pay me money, and take a shot
Lead fill the hole in me.
I could burst a million bubbles, all surrogate..
& Bullet Proof (slowdown, slowdown, slowdown)
Bullet Proof (slowdown, slowdown, slowdown)
~Radiohead - Bullet Proof
(itunes doesn't have Radiohead...the bastards!)

them

Gen. 1:26   Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

i love that. "them" and "us" and "our" and "them." you know my pastor mentioned in his talk the other day that he really has no idea why God likes to speak of himself in the masculine form. but what he does know is that God created them. "male and female he created them." he said, he knows that somehow there are two sides of God's nature, per say that male and female were created from.

i love the imagery this brings to my mind. i can't describe it. just awesome. both with a purpose. both with unique things to contribute that the other might not even get close to achieving on their own. something that would be and is unachievable unless we do it together.... together. wow. what a masterpiece. (and when I say together. i'm not envisioning a marriage relationship although i do think that is a masterpiece too.) but together "let them rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." this isn't hypothetical. this is clear. together. we were created and designed to work and much more be together. relating to each other. not fighting each other. i truly don't believe that God ever intended, wanted or wished for women to struggle to be heard and respected. it just makes me sad. the constant struggle.

and the church's typical response to it makes me even more sad. there are so many churches out there that simply get it all wrong. and i've seen the damaging effects of it. and even experienced some of them personally. this isn't how it's supposed to be. these churches remind me how thankful i am to be involved in a church that uses and believes in and acts upon the words "them" and "us" and "our" and "them."

beauty

....just something i think is important. and i commend dove for it. go check out the campaign website here and one of the commercials here.


i just think this is so important! it's not easy getting to a point in your life where you completely love and appreciate every bit of yourself as much as you should. gals, you know what i'm talking about. that place where you look at yourself in the mirror naked and you have absolutely no negative things to say (or think) about yourself. i could go on and on about the media and what america tells women they should look like but i'll spare you. the bottom line is that women should be able to see themselves as they are and say/think that there isn't one thing they would change about themselves.

ya, ya, ya....i know what you're thinking. i'm thinking it myself. "that'll never happen..." and i know. but can't we attain for something even remotely close to that? if we could stand in the mirror ourselves and refuse to say or even think anything negative about our appearance - if we could train oursleves to instead point out one thing we like about ourselves each day. then two, then three, then hopefully too many to count. each day. what a difference that would make!

i don't think it's unachievable.

frustrated

so ya, i haven't posted in a while and so i thought i would update on what's up. not much really. that's why no posts. actually i've had numerous posts slip in and out of my mind all this week....none of them ever made it to fruition. (how do you spell that???) that word that means "to come about" or something like that. i get the feeling that this post will be very random, schizophrenic and a little discombooberated...(the little red squiggly lines under that word are telling me it's....discombobulated is what i mean, hmmm) and maybe even short. ya short - let's do that.

on second thought. i suppose i should explain why "frustrated." not sure i want to though cause i probably shouldn't be frustrated at all. but i am. and if i tell you why i'm frustrated the very ugly-disgusting-selfish-awful-not me, other side of me will...come to fruition? no, rear it's ugly head. ya. i'm not so sure i want you all to see that side of me. it's pretty awful and i turn into a slobbery, whiney, old baby.....old baby? hmmmm.

so i will stop. and as spoken from the mouth of my friend sarah "full stop."

"hello. full stop. That's what i am currently experiencing. stop of mind. stop of rational thought. stop of making sense. stop of talking right now...i promise...really...shut up my face. Love and kisses and cup cakes and frolics through wild flowers and warm fuzzies ect...really disturbing, Sarah"

tattoo

i did it. i got the tattoo that i've been waiting on for some time now. about three months in the process, i finally decided on a design. i brought a couple of my doodles to my tattoo artist and had him work up a sketch. i spent a couple months tweaking it and this is the result. i'm really happy with it.

of course this pic is fresh after it was done....so it looks disgustingly painful. and yes. it did hurt. (why do people ask that?) yes. a bunch of needles stuck into your skin very rapidly for 2 and a half hours straight is painful and yes, it hurts.

below are some pics during the work.

honestly

i could listen to this song over and over again for forever and a day and not get tired of it. i've loved it since the moment i heard it the first time way back when... some may say it's depressing. to me - it's a declaration. a declaration that no matter what's going on, i make a choice everyday who i want to be. i make a choice to be who He wants me to be. who He designed me to be. despite everything. despite the fact that everyone else has deserted. despite the fact that i have no idea where i'm going or what i'm doing in this life. i make a choice to follow and trust the One who put me here. the One who sees me. all of me. wholly me. and tells me everyday that He won't give up on me. i will believe. i choose to believe this is true.

thank you sarah for finding it for me again. i needed this.

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
~Sheryl Crow - I Shall Believe
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

drama

i'm so ready to be done with this. all of this. i've gotta write a letter. i've been avoiding it like i did my homework in college. i'm even avoiding it now as i blog about having to do it.

"I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win"

and i'm writing this letter to officially state, in writing, that my boundaries will not be crossed. i'm writing to make those boundaries absolutely clear. so there's no wondering. no question. and then, when the time comes - if it didn't work out it won't be because i chose for it not to work - it'll be because my boundaries were constantly and continually challenged and crossed. i'm not going to do it anymore. and i'm going to make it absolutely clear, what it takes to be in relationship with me. and it's an easy choice. you make the choice or you refuse. "no more games." no more roller coaster. i'm done.

You go your way, I go mine
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I'm so tired, so tired of this drama

Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burn
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Noone's gonna make me hurt again

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
Or maybe I liked the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (no more game messin with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Nooone's gonna make me hurt again
No more tears (no more tears, I'm tired of cryin every night)
No more fears (no more fears, I really don't wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
I don't ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness

I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win

No more pain (no more pain) (tired of hurting)
No more game (tired of your playin' game with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more, no more, No more, no more
No more tears (no more tears, no more cryin every night)
No more fears (no more waking be up in the morning with your disturbin' phone calls
leave me alone)
No drama, no more in my life
No more drama in my life
So tired, tired of this drama
~Mary J Blige - No More Drama
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

my theme song

when you read these lyrics you must listen to the song at the same time. go here to download the song for free.... then listen while reading.

Oh my baby, when you're older
Maybe then you'll understand
You have angels to dance around your shoulders
Cause at times in life you'll need a helping hand

Oh my baby, when you're prayin'
Leave your burden by my door
You have Jesus standing at your bedside
To Keep you calm, keep you safe away from harm

Worry not my daughters
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth living
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

Oh my baby, when you're cryin'
Never hide your face from me
I have conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with the light to set you free

Oh my baby, when you're dyin'
Believe the healing of His hand
Here in heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in heaven you will finally understand
Here in heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in heaven you will finally understand

Worry not my daughters
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
~Mindy Smith - Come to Jesus
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

Many, O LORD my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.
Psalm 40:5 (NIV) (emphasis added)

love

i've been frustrated lately. frustrated by people (including myself sometimes) who can't seem to simply show love to those around them. people who feel like they have a right to judge others. yet the people being judged don't have that same right. at least not in the eyes of the person judging. people who feel like it's not only their right but maybe even their duty to call people out and challenge them on their views if they differ from their own. people who like to use scripture out of context and "throw" it in other people's faces not only to make their point, (twisting scripture to their own agenda) but also to make themselves look/feel superior to the other. granted, to some extent we all do this. none of us are perfect. i've even done it. i did it to my siblings when i was going thru my "super religious" phase around 15-16 years old. i'm not proud of it - but i learned from it. if i had been too proud to listen to my sisters (and i didn't right away) when they told me they felt judged by me, i might never have seen how wrong i was. i might never have seen that i wasn't showing god's love to anyone. and that is the number one thing god calls us to do. christian or no christian, everyone can agree that love is something everyone wants and can't do without.

i think part of what makes me feel so upset about this - and so disgusted at myself at 15/16, is because growing up all i ever received from my parents was conditional love. which, isn't love at all. it's some sick, twisted, fake attempt at love. and it's damaging. seriously damaging. the link below is a project i did for my women's studies class. it was the final project and the goal was simply to express yourself with a medium of your choice. but it had to be creative. i chose to express myself with a video with one of my favorite songs...Ginny Owens - Without Condition. the lyrics are below. this song puts to words my feelings toward my parents regarding my childhood and the suedo-christian, super-religious, paranoid, insecure and judgmental home i was brought up in.

click here to see the video. (it's about 3.9MB so if you don't have a high speed connection it may take a little bit to load.)

You find this situation just a bit uncomfortable;
You'd rather stay far away from reality.
For you to understand would be clearly impossible;
So you shut your eyes and swear you can see.
Claiming there is a God, but does that mean anything?
So condescending to those that you don't understand;
Just too easy to make them your enemies.
Like an ostrich, you bury your head in the sand,
And then shout about all the things you believe.
But if there is a God, don't you think He can see
What you really mean? What you're doing?

You can't find the answers
Till you learn to question;
You won't appear stupid
Just ask for direction.
You're insecure and it clouds your perception
So stop and listen
And learn a lesson in love without condition.

So place all the souls that you know
in their own little box;
Quite convenient to handle them that way;
You're the only one you know who carries a cross
You don't care what they care about anyway.
You talk to your God,
Prayin' for those who sin,
For their eyes to be opened.
~Ginny Owens - Without Condition
Click here to listen to a clip from itunes.

crapola

wanna make something sound stupid? Just go to this website. type in some text and choose "valley girl" as your translation.....

examples of "it's pretty funny":
in valley girl: "it's pretty funny. Oh my God!"
in boston accent: "it's pretty funny, Jamal!"
in canadian: "it's preddy funny!"
in pig latin: "ityay's ettypray unnyfay!"
in smurf: "it's smurfy smurfy!"

it's even more fun to type in a website instead. try a news website - or better yet, try your own blog!

recap

i think i had just about the best valentine's day ever. seriously. even from the very beginning of the day. (excluding of course the fact that i actually had to wake up and get out of bed). anthony and i got into it as usual. something about huskies wearing socks to keep them warm when they pull snow sleds.
me: "anthony, huskies don't wear socks....some people may call the white fur on the feet of some of them socks, but they're not actual, cloth, material socks..." anthony: "yes, they do...huskies do actually wear this special material that...." blah, blah, blah...one day i'll learn to just roll my eyes and keep my mouth shut. but no, there's something in me that just cannot let something like that go by without so much as a comment of correction when it's so blatantly, ridiculously, wrong. ok, so you can see now (proof in the pudding) that i just can't let stuff go. anyway, our typical arguments usually make me grumpy but not today. it was actually just enough ridiculousness to push me over into a weird, contended, happiness instead. which was quite pleasant. and although i would like to take full credit for being the "adult" and not engaging fully into his ridiculous discussion, i think the half-dose of day quill might have had something to do with it. and the fact that anthony had also just surprised me with valentines chocolates.

get to work. fill up my coffee cup. say my goodmornings. get to my desk and find potted flowers, hershey's kisses, and candy hearts from my sweet, wonderful, awesome mother in-law. and no, for those of you who don't know, i'm not being sarcastic. i actually love my mother in-law probably more than my very own. (which i suppose isn't hard to imagine if you've ever met or know anything about my biological mom) but nevertheless, kerry is awesome. and so very sweet. i couldn't wish for a better mother in-law.

after musing over the flowers and feeling way over spoiled by kerry. i figured i should get back to work and started to check email. well, just then my day got even better. i got an ecard from my hubby nate wishing me a happy valentine's day. and no, i'm not going to quote it for you. but it was perfect.

so, for all of you who hate dentist appointments this would be the "downer" in this story....but wait....it's not. i had a dentist appointment scheduled for 4:40pm. (who know's why i scheduled a dentist appointment on valentine's day??) so when the time came i left work hoping that the dentist would not tell me what i thought was true. i have a cavity. so i went in, hoping for the best but feeling the inevitable truth....that the pain in my tooth was actually a cavity and my pretty clean track record of "little to no" cavities was broken. well, this is precisely where the story turns. but first: in the past, i've never been one of those people who hate going to the dentist...it's never bothered me. don't know why. but today i had a revelation. not only did the dentists tell me that i had no cavities at all, he lavished praises on me for my "beautiful" teeth! sheesh. what a place to find your self-esteem built up! and if i remember correctly, almost every time i see the dentist i get the same feedback. so here's my revelation: i think i don't mind the dentist because my teeth always get praised. how's that for weird? and the extra cool part about the whole thing is; i didn't even do anything to get my teeth that way, i don't even know what categorizes a person's teeth as "beautiful" anyway. but hell, i'll take it! at least that's one positive thing my parents gave me. so, i found myself oddly happy, yet again today.

ok, so i know this is getting long and you're all getting bored so i'll finish with just one more thing. i have to say, if it hadn't been for tracy & marcus, ryan, and matt - nate and i would not have been able to go out together. tracy picked up anthony from school today and he hung out at their place until ryan picked him up later in the evening and hung with him until he went to bed. matt was especially kind by covering nate and i at tnt tonight. thanks you guys! you all ROCK!

so that sounded like an awards acceptance speech....

last but not least nate and i were able to go out and catch dinner at the Crab Shack and saw a movie. "The World's Fastest Indian." what a great movie! it's perfect for any age. well, maybe not any age....but it was good. it's what i would call a "heart warmer." which i thought was perfect for a valentine's date. cause you have to admit . . . . choosing the perfect movie for a valentine date (or any for that matter) is pretty important. i mean, seriously, find a bad movie....the two of you could just end up feeling awkward the entire rest of the evening....and that's just no fun for anyone. my philosophy: safer is always better on an important evening. we originally wanted to see "Having Fun With Dick & Jane" (which looks hilarious!) but we couldn't find it at any of the theaters....so maybe it's on DVD already?

anyway, i'm done rambling now....

ezer

ezer. a definition of woman i can agree on. finally.

"And God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and conquer it, and hold sway over the fish of the sea and the fowl of the heavens and every beast that crawls upon the earth.' (Gen. 1:26-28 Alter)"~Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge

this is the only redeeming section in this book. the rest, in my opinion, is mostly crap. i'm having a hard time even finishing the book. however, i do like their definition of woman and what she was created for....

"Call it the Human Mission-to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice-the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. 'And God said to them...' Eve is standing right there when God gives the world over to us. She has a vital role to play; she is a partner in this great adventure. All that human beings were intended to do here on earth-all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture-we were intended to do together. In fact, not only is Eve needed, but she is desperately needed.

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. 'It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]' (Gen. 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is 'notoriously difficult to translate.' The various attempts we have in English are "helper" or "companion" or the notorious "help meet." Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat...disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing "One day I shall be a help meet?" Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it "sustainer beside him"

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.

'Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sward.' (Deut. 33:26,29, emphasis added)

'I lift up my eyes to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.' (Ps. 121:1-2, ephasis added)

'May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help.' (Ps. 20:1-2, emphasis added)

'We wait in hope for the LORD, he is our help and our shield.' (Ps. 33:20, emphasis added)

'O house of Israel, trust in the LORD-he is their help and shield.
O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD-he is ther help and shield.
You who fear him, trust in the LORD-he is their help and shield.'
(Ps. 115:9-11, emphasis added)

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he is not there beside you . . . you are dead. A better translation therefore of ezer would be "lifesaver." Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.

You see, the life God calls us to is not a safe life. Ask Joseph, Abraham, Moses, Deborah, Esther-any of the friends of God from the Old Testament. God calls us to a life involving frequent risks and many dangers. Why else would we need him to be our ezer? You don't need a lifesaver if your mission is to be a couch potato. You need an ezer when your life is in constant danger.

Picture the character Arwen in the mythic motion-picture trilogy, The Lord of the Rings. Arwen is a princess, a beautiful and brave elf maiden. She comes into the story in the nick of time to rescue the little hobbit Frodo just as the poisoned wound moving toward his heart is about to claim him.

ARWEN: He's fading. He's not going to last. We must get him to my father. I've been looking for you for two days. There are five wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know.

ARAGORN: Stay with the hobbits. I'll send horses for you.

ARWEN: I'm the faster rider. I'll take him.

ARAGORN: The road is too dangerous.

ARWEN: I do not fear them.

ARAGORN: (relinquishing to her, he takes her hand.) Arwen, ride hard. Don't look back.

It is she, not the warrior Aragorn, who rides with glory and speed. She is Frodo's only hope. She is the one entrusted with his life and with him, the future of all Middle Earth. She is his ezer kenegdo.

That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure-that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him-desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place.

[...]

What we said was, first, that Eve is the crown of creation. There is something uniquely magnificent and powerful about a woman. We tried to reveal the immeasurable dignity, the holiness of your feminine heart by showing that it is God who longs for Romance; it is God who longs to be our ezer; it is God who reveals beauty as essential to life. You are the image bearer of this God. That is why you long for those things too.

There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs.

deep breath in....deep breath out.

how refreshing to hear that woman was not simply an after thought. how refreshing to hear of woman as the "image bearer" of God. how refreshing and validating to hear my heart's desires are also God's desires. how refreshing to hear that woman bears the "other side" if you will of God's heart. so wonderful to hear the words "woman" and "powerful" together in the same sentence without negativity associated with it.

this definition of woman as ezer is so very empowering. the imagery that it creates in my mind is absolutely amazing. think of it this way. man was created to bear the image of "one side" of God's heart and woman was created to bear the image of the "other side" of God's heart. how beautiful is that? i can't quite fully wrap my mind or imagination around it. just wow!

doesn't this definition just feel right? and doesn't it just make sense?

bono

Bono's best sermon yet: Remarks at the National Prayer Breakfast


[RUSH TRANSCRIPT: CHECK AGAINST DELIVERED REMARKS]

If you're wondering what I'm doing here, at a prayer breakfast, well, so am I. I'm certainly not here as a man of the cloth, unless that cloth is leather. It's certainly not because I'm a rock star. Which leaves one possible explanation: I'm here because I've got a messianic complex.

Yes, it's true. And for anyone who knows me, it's hardly a revelation.

Well, I'm the first to admit that there's something unnatural...something unseemly...about rock stars mounting the pulpit and preaching at presidents, and then disappearing to their villas in the south of France. Talk about a fish out of water. It was weird enough when Jesse Helms showed up at a U2 concert...but this is really weird, isn't it?

You know, one of the things I love about this country is its separation of church and state. Although I have to say: in inviting me here, both church and state have been separated from something else completely: their mind.

Mr. President, are you sure about this? [...]

for the rest go here.

crap!

i let the anniversary of my blog's first year go by unnoticed! January 8th, 2005 was my first post ever in the blogging world. go bloggers. down with the slackers.

yeah!

underwhelmed

well, i have to say. i have mixed reviews so far on this book. and ya, i'm bummed. i'm over half-way finished with it and although there are passages in it that really resonate with me....a large part of the book does not. i feel like i can find deep and meaningful quotes from it....but nothing really life changing. but really, why was i looking to a "christian" book for the meaning of woman when His word is right here at my fingertips to explore. maybe i was trying to take the easy way out. who knows. but i'm bummed by it. the introduction had me hooked. but i don't feel like the introduction was even close to an accurate preview into what the book would be about. on the contrary, i felt even more stereotyped and categorized than before! i was planning on reading the first book John wrote, "Wild At Heart" which is for men, but now i'm not so sure. maybe i'll still read it but after this read, i'm a little skeptical about what i will find in that book. for instance, all of chapter 5 basically says that the reason for all of the mistreatment of women over the centuries and over all of time was because satan has a "special hatred" for women.

quote:

"The assault on femininity-it's long history, its utter viciousness-cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil we are warned against in the Scriptures. This is not to say that men (and women, for they, too, assault women) have no accountability in their treatment of women. Not at all. It is simply to say that no explanation for the assault upon Eve and her daughters is sufficient unless it opens our eyes to the Prince of Darkness and his special hatred of femininity."

and the following are some of the reasons they use to back up this claim:

quote:

"Turn your attention again to the events that took place in the Garden of Eden. Notice-who does the Evil One go after? Who does Satan single out for his move against the human race? He could have chosen Adam...but he didn't. Satan went after Eve. He set his sights on her. Have you ever wondered why? It might have been that he, like any predator, chose what he believed to be the weaker of the two."

ok, we get it - satan chose women because we're the weaker of the two.....how many times have we heard that? or at least something very similar...but it gets worse...

quote:

"Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He destroys it in the natural world wherever he can. Strip mines, oil spills, fires, Chernobyl. He wreaks destruction on the glory of God in the earth like a psychopath committed to destroying great works of art. But most especially, he hates Eve. Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. [...] He hates it with a jealousy we can only imagine..."

it's almost too much....i almost can't believe what I'm reading....but there's more...

quote:

The Evil One also hates Eve because she gives life. Women give birth, not men. Women nourish life. And they also bring life into the world soulfully, relationally, spiritually - in everything they touch. Satan was a murderer from the beginning (John 8:44). He brings death. His is a kingdom of death. Ritual sacrifices, genocide, the Holocaust, abortion - those are his ideas. And thus Eve is his greatest human threat, for she brings life. [...] Put those two things together - that Eve incarnates the Beauty of God and she gives life to the world. Satan's bitter heart cannot bear it. He assaults her with a special hatred. History removes any doubt about this.

whoa, hold up a bit. ok, now, it seems logical to me that satan may have a hand in the mistreatment of women but i think it's a mistake to credit him for all of it. i believe there are three reasons. 1 our sinful natures after the fall - we are all broken, 2 personal choices of mankind's free will and 3 satan. i do not however, believe that satan has a "special hatred" for women. you just can't walk around saying and believing that all the bad things that happen in the world are satan's doing! because it's then that you're forgetting that you have free will. you, make your own decisions. not anyone else.

the very first quote above is the only time this book mentions anything about individuals being held accountable for their own actions. i'm up to chapter 9 now and every idea after chapter 5 build on the idea - the belief, that satan has a "special hatred" for women. i'm not buying it and there's no Scripture to back it up.

however, despite my objections to the majority of this book, there are a few parts that i feel there is some truth in. below is a quote where John is writing.

quote:

"What is this thing in me-and in most men-that just doesn’t want to go deep into a woman’s world? You are too much. Too hard. It’s too much work. Men are simpler. Easier. And isn’t that just the message you’ve lived with all your life as a woman? “You’re too much, and not enough. You’re just not worth the effort.” (And why is it such an effort? There must be something wrong with you.)
Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear, failure. Oh, he may joke about "the differences of men and women," Mars and Venus and all that. But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world, he won't have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it. Most marriages (and long-term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. "I'm not coming any closer. This is as far as I'm willing to go. But, I won't leave, and that ought to make you happy." And so there is this sort of détente, a cordial agreement to live only so close. The effect is that most women feel alone."

now, although i'm not so sure about the part about "man's deepest fear" being failure (i'd have to ask a guy) but the part in that quote that resonates with me is the fact that i do feel like “too much, and not enough.” but why? why do i feel like this? although he goes on to say, “some of this is simply selfishness on the part of men. Lord knows men are selfish and self-centered.” ok, ya, i guess but i also think that statement is kindov an unfair and negative sterotype of men too…this is where i get stuck again with the book. he says, “But there is something else.” and that “something else” again, ends up being that “The Enemy bears a special hatred for Eve.” and that is why men supposedly get that feeling of “back off-stay away” when given the opportunity to delve into the soul of a woman.

i’m just not buying it…again. i don’t believe it’s that simple. Relationships aren’t that simple. and for pete’s sake, you’re writing a book about women, and saying that we’re complicated

quote from John:

“To do any sort of justice to a book for women would require me to go deeper, listen even more carefully, study, delve into the mystery (okay-bloody mess) of a woman’s soul.”

yet your answers are so very simple? it’s all satan’s fault? i don’t think so. by the way, why is he calling a woman’s soul a “bloody mess”? i find that insulting. my soul isn’t a “bloody mess”. well, not any more of a mess than any man’s soul is. i mean, come on, seriously! and even if it were true that every woman’s soul was a “bloody mess” why would you say that in a book you’re writing to/for women!?!? dumb guy.

all in all. i think i've learned a good lesson. never look to a "christian" book or any other book but the Bible, to answer as deep a question as what it means to be a woman. and never, ever, read another book for women, written by a man. (aside from God of course.)

northwest

i love the northwest. i could never imagine myself living anywhere else. there's so much to do here! there's mountains for climbing, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, etc. there's ocean for beach combing, atv'ing, claming, surfing, wind surfing, etc. there's plenty of lakes for water skiing, tubing, jet skiing, fishing, etc. there's plenty of cool places to camp and yurt. you can find a place for just about any outdoor activity that you'd ever wished or dreamed of doing. i love this place!

all last weekend i was reminded of just how much i love this place. nate and i go yurting every year at Cape Lookout with a group of about 5 or 6 families with an average of 3 kids per family. (ya, you're right, that is alot! but it's so much fun!) last weekend was our annual yurting trip. we rented a small boat and went crabbing, walked on the beach at night with only the moon as a light source, watched hangliders take off from the side of the road at Cape Lookout (very exciting!), sat in a bar near the sand dunes to watch the game with a friend i never would've suspected to have any interest in football (i sure don't) and last but not least, i got in plenty of reading. so nice. so relaxing. we stayed at Cape Lookout friday and saturday night and came back into town sunday afternoon. then got up, o'dark-thirty in the morning on monday to go snowboarding on mt hood. it was my first time and today i am so sore! the snow on the mountain was perfect. the only bummer was that i leant my gloves to a little middle schooler during my snowboard lesson and found out just how bad it sucks to try and snowboard with out gloves.

although winters in the northwest rock, summers are even better! i'm getting very anxious and excited for a long, 11 day or so camping trip with nate and a couple close friends in august. nate is going to bike across the Astoria bridge on the Washington side, to Oregon and bike all the way to the california border. each night we'll set up camp in a new location and wait as the guys bike all day, then meet us at camp to sleep for the night, then get up and bike all day again....i'm glad i'm not the one biking! whew! it should be really fun though for those of us who are driving, setting up camp and then sitting around all day waiting for the bikers. i'm one of them! ;-) i can't wait!

captivating

ok, so there is no part two to "boys-n-crushes" after all.....there was gonna be. but i got distracted. i was going to tell about how i was crushing on some other boy all the while blair was crushing on me and the irony of that. and i was going to post some of my own personal diary entries on the topic just to balance out the embarrassing musings of blair....but no one really wants to hear about that anyway, right? right. i thought so. ;-)

so here's what i got distracted by. here's some history first: so lately i've been looking for a good, christian book to help me figure out what it means to be a woman. and not just any woman, but a christian woman. a book that would help me separate the cultural messages from the "god" messages. frankly, i don't want to hear about who the american culture tells me i need to be as a woman because i've listened to those all my life and all they end up telling me is that i don't measure up. that i'm not pretty enough, that i'm too pretty, that i'm not independent enough, that i'm too independent, that motherhood is the best, that motherhood holds you back, and on and on and on....conflicting messages.

but when i look towards "christian" books for an answer, all I get in response is that i talk too much, feel too much, cry too much, dream too much, have too many opinions, don't "serve" enough and never "stay in my place."

can't i be assertive without being labeled a bitch? can't i be nice without being labeled a pushover? can't i agree with the core ideals of the feminist movement without being labeled a femi-nazi or man-hater? can't i enjoy aspects of my femininity without being stereotyped into a category of women who like tea parties? (more power to women who love tea parties - they're just not for me!) can't i be respectful of my husbands wishes and allow him to lead without whispers behind my back saying i must be "one of those submissive house-wives who let's her husband tell her who she should be...." it's all a bunch of crap. and it's coming at me from all sides and every direction. i'm covered in crap here! i'm tired of all the BS! where is the happy-medium?

this is what brought me to the bookstore the other day. after wading through a bunch of "christian" books on a "woman's role" i found this one. "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John and Stasi Eldredge. the title alone grabbed me, so I read the introduction:

Now we are on holy ground.
Writing a book for men (Wild at Heart) was a fairly straightforward proposition. Not that men are simpletons. But they are the less complicated of the two genders trying to navigate love and life together. Both men and women know this to be true. The mystery of the feminine heart was meant to be a good thing, by the way. A source of joy. Yet it has become a source of shame--women almost universally feel that they are "too much" and "not what they should be." And men tend to pull away from the deeper waters of a woman's soul, unsure of what they will find there or how to handle it. And so we have missed the treasure that is the heart of a woman, missed the richness femininity was meant to bring to our lives, missed the way it speaks to us of the heart of God.

Rest assured--this is not a book about all the things you are failing to do as a woman. We're tired of those books. As a new Christian, the first book I (Stasi) picked up to read on godly femininity I threw across the room. I never picked it up again. In the twenty-five years since, I have only read a few I could wholeheartedly recommend. The rest drive me crazy. Their messages to women make me feel as though, "You are not the woman you ought to be--but if you do the following ten things, you can make the grade." They are, by and large, soul-killing. But femininity cannot be prescribed in a formula.

We have women friends who love tea parties and china, and friends who break out in hives at the thought of them. We have women friends who love to hunt, bow hunt even. Women who love to entertain and women who don't. Women who are professors, moms, doctors, nurses, missionaries, dentists, homemakers, therapists, chefs, artists, poets, rock climbers, triathletes, secretaries, salespeople, and social workers. Beautiful women, all.

So--is a true woman Cinderella or Joan of Arc? Mary Magdalene or Oprah? How do we recover essential femininity without falling into stereotypes, or worse, ushering in more pressure and shame upon our readers? That is the last thing a woman needs. And yet, there is an essence that God has given to every woman. We share something deep and true, down in our hearts. So we venture into this exploration of femininity by way of the heart. What is at the core of a woman's heart? What are her desires? What did we long for as little girls? What do we still long for as women? And, how does a woman begin to be healed from the wounds and tragedies of her life?

Sometime between the dreams of your youth and yesterday, something precious has been lost. And that treasure is your heart, your priceless feminine heart. God has set within you a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring. No doubt it has been misunderstood. Surely it has been assaulted. But it is there, your true heart, and it is worth recovering. You are captivating.

So we invite you to take a journey with us, a journey of discovery and healing. For your heart is the prize of God's Kingdom, and Jesus has come to win you back for himself--all of you. We pray that God will use this book in your life, in your heart, to bring healing, restoration, joy, and life! And if God does that, it will be cause for a wonderful celebration. With teacups and china. Or paper plates. Whatever. One day, we will all celebrate together. In anticipation and hope, may this little book draw you closer to God's heart--and your own.

wow. how refreshing - i am so reading this book! and i'm telling all my girlfriends about it! this is what i've been waiting for. i can't wait to dig in!

boys-n-crushes (part one)

so i was going through an old box of notes, letters and old keepsakes that i’ve stashed away in the attic. it is so much fun going through things that you haven’t seen in a while….especially old letters! i have about two or three shoeboxes full of letters dating way back to when i was a little kid. i went to a private school from kindergarden thru around 3rd or 4th grade, when my family moved away and my mom began homeschooling. i was determined to keep the friendships i had started in private school and decided to exchange addresses with them and stay connected through letters.

as i was shuffling through all the letters i’d kept over the years (because once i’d kept one, it became a habit to keep every letter i ever received) i saw one with a return address and name that said blair. i thought to myself, “blair, blair….blair…why/how do i know that name?” so, i opened the letter and started reading. this is what i read first:

Hi Ya TJ,

This letter is going to start very very seriously. I want you to be honest in answering me. What exactly do you think about me liking you? Please be HONEST. […]

i immediately remembered…and how could i forget? this was the Canadian guy that i met when i went with my church to a winter youth camp thingy in Canada called Avalanche. I was 14 and it was right before my trip to the Philippines. truth be told, i don’t remember actually meeting him…but i do remember my friends and i had nick-named him the “aboat man” because of his Canadian accent. and the whole “TJ” thing…..well, that was during the period in my life when, for whatever reason, i wanted to be called something other than my own name. T.J. are my initials. Teresa June.

he continued…

I have to tell you right now, like after Avalanche, I really, really miss you, and I don’t know how to explain this feeling I get whenever I think about you (almost everday.) […]

and then it all came flooding back….ya – how could i forget this guy….i remember feeling a little flattered, a little embarrassed and sorry for him but also a lot annoyed at him all in one! flattered because…well, i don’t think being flattered really needs an explanation. but sorry for him because…poor guy – not only was he sharing revealing and possibly risky information about his feelings for me, but it seemed like instead of simply spilling his guts – which would have been bad enough – he was really ripping every internal organ out of his body and laying them on a table and pleading and begging me to smash them!

but annoyed at him all at the same time because i remember feeling like no matter how i tried to tell him i wasn’t interested “that way”, he never quite “got” it.

i told him in a letter and over the phone that “i just want to be friends…” you know, that whole bit…..however, it was to no avail. this is part of the very next letter i received and also parts from the 15 plus letters after that all saying the same thing!

I still keep you in mind “a lot” and I still talk about you not that I mean to, but your name keeps coming up in some of my conversations. (Most of the time with Jodie (remember her) I also never ever say anything bad about you) More or less that I would like to see you again. […] It’s 11:20pm and I haven’t heard from you in a while. […] So are you planning on going Avalanche ’96? I sure hope you guys bring a group from the states again. Another reason, I have some good friends who would like to meet you guys. (Yes, I talk about you a lot, nothing bad or personal, more or less, on how much I like you!) To be honest, you’re the only girl I really talk about. My interest in other girls isn’t as strong as what it used to be since I met you. In fact, I don’t really “eye” up girls anymore. […]

oh boy! and it only got worse after he attended a Promise Keepers conference – that’s really when the intestines started to fly!

[…] this conference was and is the best conference I have ever attended. […] To be honest when they got into the section on relationships (marriage) that’s when I fully felt I had to go to Vancouver and see you. (Please don’t get upset) Just listen. (or read) I know you just want to be friends and I fully respect that (since I really would not like being enemies). Anyways, I’m going to tell you again that I believe in my heart that you are the girl for me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just going to the dogs. (I mean…I get love-sick everytime I think about you) I’ve even been called a love-sick puppy. :) Ever since I’ve met you I’ve tried to come and see you, but it seems to never work out right. I don’t know why!! I guess it just in God’s time when things will work out. Just need to have patience. (and a lot of it). I do have to tell you this one thing though. You are one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met!! I couldn’t tell you if my timing is right or not. I’m just writing what came to my mind, and I pray that it’s what God wants me to write. Things could change and we may never see each other again (pray they don’t). As I said, I believe that you are the one. It’s a matter of growing closer together (may take a few years or a few weeks, who knows), but I know that our “relatioship” as friends can only get better. I don’t want to lose contact with you, at all. […] I still don’t know if your thoughts have changed towards me (I doubt it), but I just break into tears everytime I think about not being able to see you. sometimes LOVE hurts :( […]

he goes on to talk about meeting my parents sometime, and me meeting his parents….etc. and he signed the above letter “your love-sick friend, blair”. Needless to say, after the above letter I began opening each letter after that from him, squinting as I read it, for fear that I would be really, really embarrassed for him this time….any minute…..he’s – going – to – say – something – way – over – the – top……I can’t look!

Blair had to be experiencing the worst crush of all time and i was the victim!

(to be continued…)